In honor of DeadSplinter’s second anniversary, here’s a deeply considered yet extremely underexplained list of sitting U.S. senators. Bonus points awarded for things like “not voting in favor of insurrection” and “having a funny name” as well as “not being a complete sicko fuck,” which is why … well, you’ll get there. Like everyone on it, I will not be taking questions at this time because I’m on my way to a $2,000-a-plate fundraiser to keep these underexplained lists going. Democracy!
- Bernard Sanders, I-Vermont
- Elizabeth Warren, D-Massachusetts
Getting grazed by a Prius
- Sherrod Brown, D-Ohio
- Tammy Duckworth, D-Illinois
- Patrick J. Leahy, D-Vermont
- Raphael G. Warnock, D-Georgia
- Michael F. Bennet, D-Colorado
- Christopher Murphy, D-Connecticut
- Ron Wyden, D-Oregon
- Edward J. Markey, D-Massachusetts
Getting love-tapped by a mail truck
- Jeff Merkley, D-Oregon
- Mark Kelly D-Arizona
- Cory A. Booker, D-New Jersey
- Charles E. Schumer, D-New York
- Dick Durbin, D-Illinois
- Tammy Baldwin, D-Wisconsin
- Maria Cantwell, D-Washington
- John W. Hickenlooper, D-Colorado
- Richard Blumenthal, D-Connecticut
- Christopher A. Coons, D-Delaware
- Jon Ossoff, D-Georgia
- Mazie K. Hirono, D-Hawaii
- Patty Murray, D-Washington
- Tina Smith, D-Minnesota
- Catherine Cortez Masto, D-Nevada
- Alex Padilla, D-California
Getting clipped by a bus
- Kirsten E. Gillibrand, D-New York
- Mark R. Warner, D-Virginia
- Benjamin L. Cardin, D-Maryland
- Jacky Rosen, D-Nevada
- Ben Ray Luján, D-New Mexico
- Jeanne Shaheen, D-New Hampshire
- Gary Peters, D-Michigan
- Jon Tester, D-Montana
- Margaret Wood Hassan, D-New Hampshire
- Martin Heinrich, D-New Mexico
- Debbie Stabenow, D-Michigan
- Angus King I-Maine
- Thomas R. Carper, D-Delaware
- Brian Schatz, D-Hawaii
- Chris Van Hollen, D-Maryland
- Jack Reed, D-Rhode Island
- Robert P. Casey, Jr., D-Pennsylvania
- Sheldon Whitehouse, D-Rhode Island
Getting hit by a tractor-trailer
- Tim Kaine, D-Virginia
- Mitt Romney, R-Utah
- Amy Klobuchar, D-Minnesota
- Lisa Murkowski, R-Alaska
- James Lankford, R-Oklahoma
Getting hit by a tractor-trailer full of hilarious names
- Mike Crapo, R-Idaho
- John Boozman, R-Arkansas
Getting run over by a steamroller
- Cynthia M. Lummis, R-Wyoming
- Steve Daines, R-Montana
- Mike Braun, R-Indiana
- Kevin Cramer, R-North Dakota
- John Hoeven, R-North Dakota
- Dan Sullivan, R-Alaska
- Jerry Moran, R-Kansas
- James E. Risch, R-Idaho
- Bill Cassidy, R-Louisiana
- Thom Tillis, R-North Carolina
- Roger F. Wicker, R-Mississippi
- Deb Fischer, R-Nebraska
- Todd Young, R-Indiana
- Mike Rounds, R-South Dakota
- Shelley Moore Capito, R-West Virginia
- Bill Hagerty, R-Tennessee
- Richard Burr, R-North Carolina
- Robert Menendez, D-New Jersey
- John Barrasso, R-Wyoming
- Richard C. Shelby, R-Alabama
- Rick Scott, R-Florida
- Tim Scott, R-South Carolina
- Mike Lee, R-Utah
- John Thune, R-South Dakota
- Ron Johnson, R-Wisconsin
- Patrick J. Toomey, R-Pennsylvania
Here there be dragons
- Rob Portman, R-Ohio
- Dianne Feinstein, D-California
- Roy Blunt, R-Missouri
- Susan Collins, R-Maine
- Roger Marshall, R-Kansas
- Tommy Tuberville, R-Alabama
- Cindy Hyde-Smith, R-Mississippi
- Ben Sasse, R-Nebraska
- Lindsey Graham, R-South Carolina
- John Kennedy, R-Louisiana
- James M. Inhofe, R-Oklahoma
- Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa
Abandon hope all ye who enter here
- Marsha Blackburn, R-Tennessee
- Joni Ernst, R-Iowa
- Kyrsten Sinema, ???-Arizona
- Josh Hawley, R-Missouri
- John Cornyn, R-Texas
- Tom Cotton, R-Arkansas
- Marco Rubio, R-Florida
- Rand Paul, R-Kentucky
- Joseph Manchin III, “D”-West Virginia
- Ted Cruz, R-Texas
- The QAnon Shaman (temporary pro tempore)
- Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky
I was coming here to scream if Ted Cruz was not in the bottom 2 but I’ll let you go with this. Although, Mazie Hirono should be in the top 5, she is awesome! She should definitely be above Schumer.
Good note! I moved her around a lot because I’ve heard some mixed things about her.
And honestly, Schumer gets a lot of grief, but he’s been beating the drum on good issues for a long time.
As a Masshole, I’m very proud of both my senators making the top 10, though I think you should have put Markey higher. But like I have no clue who Murphy or Wyden are, so I can’t argue that hard.
Is Kaine bad? Literally the only thing I know about him is being Hillary’s bland white man running mate.
Ouch for putting Romney above Klobuchar. I’ve never heard of Menendez so I don’t know why he’s worse than so many Republicans. The other 3 “democrats” down at the bottom know what they did. Or Feinstein should, but probably doesn’t.
Oh and am I wrong that Mark Kelly kinda sucks? I thought he said a bunch of racist shit at some point.
Kaine lost 20 positions for sucking so egregiously in the 2016 VP debate and frankly, it should have been more. How do you come off looking LESS sane than Mike Pence?!?! GOD!!!!!
Menendez was indicted on federal corruption charges and should have been removed. He sucks. (They all suck.)
Kelly got a big bonus for a) being from the same purple-ish state as Sinema but not being a psychopath and b) I love astronauts.
That’s fair. And it’s kinda batshit that a senator was indicted for corruption and was not then removed.
Am I wrong in thinking reps as a group tend to be less corrupt and shitty than senators as an overall group? There are some awful reps too, but I think maybe because turnover is higher and prestige is lower, it attracts more people that are there for their ideals. I don’t know what to do with that concept to improve the government, but it feels like a thing to think about. I have a very politically involved friend who says we should do away with the senate altogether, and only have the house.
That’s pretty tough because of so many more to choose from. I mean just off the top of my head…
Louie Gohmert
Matt Gaetz
Paul Gosar
Marjorie Traitor Greene
Steve “David Duke w/out the baggage” Scalise
Devon Nunes (and his cow)
Gym Jordan
Elise Stefanik
Lauren Boebert
Madison “Sieg Heil” Cawthorn
Ronny “Pusherman” Jackson
Oh yeah, there’s obviously horrible ones, but I mean in terms of percentages. Plus, actually even consider MTG and Boebert – they’re batshit crazy and stupid for sure, but they are probably there for their (horrendous) ideals, rather than to make money off lobbyists.
The Senate is worse than the House because it’s actively undemocratic as opposed to just gerrymandered. Senators also tend to be around longer so we know their bullshit better — lookin’ at you, Chuck “Elected in 1877” Grassley — but generally speaking, every level you go down in politics, the people involved get way fuckin’ wackier. There are some state-level GOP legislators who make MTG look reasonable. And there ain’t no crazy like small-town politics crazy!
Pray for the good health of your Senators. Warren is 72 and Markey is 75. Not extraordinary by Senate norms; Leahy is 81 and Feinstein is 88. Schumer will turn 71 later this month and Yertle the Turtle is 79. Calgary-born Ted Cruz is only 50, as is foam party devoté Marco Rubio.
(Lest you think I’m being ageist, let me assure you that I must be among the oldest of the Deadspinteriat. I am older than Rafael Cruz, Jr., and high-heeled boots-wearing Marco Rubio, and admire Feinstein for her physical agility, but I am not 88.)
Did you know that Feinstein and Warren share the same birthday? Yes, June 22. I only know this because there’s only one member of my extended family whom I do not like, he married in, and his birthday is June 22. He is not a MAGAt but is far more conservative than we are. We normally have family reunions around the middle of June and I always make an effort to squeeze this factoid into a conversation somehow.
I know right? Luckily Warren and Markey both seem to be quite healthy and more agile than most people I know in their 70s. But it is crucial to get more young blood in the senate. Not only because we need people with long future careers, but because the diversity (age distribution just being one factor there obviously) is abysmal.
I think Graham and Inhofe belong in the last group, but good god that is a “Who’s Who of Cretins” as-is.
So Cassidy is higher than Tim Scott because he at least pretends he is not a piece of shit while Scott actively tries to be a piece of shit but they share the same category because they are both pieces of shit?
Correct. Bill Cassidy is slightly less offensive than Tim Scott. Admittedly, you need special equipment to measure how small the difference is in offensiveness — they’re both offensive to all five senses and six if you have ESP — but it’s true.
Say what you will about the temporary pro tempore but he accomplished in a couple hours what took McConnell 2-3 decades when he brought the senate to a complete halt.
…it shouldn’t matter but someone once pointed out to me in one of the pictures of him from jan 6th the trousers he’s wearing ride low enough that you can see that massive tattoo is just the hilt & no blade
…& now that’s the first thing about him that comes to mind when someone references him…not sure “all hilt & no blade” is ever going to replace “all mouth & no trousers”…but I feel like the two have a lot in common?