Shit I’m Old [NOT 8/3/22]

Hi, friends!

I had one of those moments today where I was like yep, I’m old.

I found out there’s a new Costco being built not too far from my house!!! Which had me excited for a few hours because it won’t be a 20+ minute drive out to a boring and republican suburb.



  1. Whenever I’m on any news site and they have something retirement-related I click on avidly and read every word. Alas, most seem to end with, “This won’t work for everyone so speak with your financial advisor to make sure you’re meeting your retirement financial goals.”

    I also have a newly found weird obsession with pharmaceutical ads. I have plenty of my own medical woes; I shouldn’t really need to focus on ones I don’t have, but I find these ads strangely compelling. Do you know the one about IBS? A couple of women, friends and coworkers it seems like, look in distress. The product is advertised and the next thing you know they’re in a group on the dancefloor at a wedding.

    Aside from loving to dance at weddings, or at least I used to, one of the women in distress is this Nordic blonde with a pretty severe bob who, it looks like, stands about 6′ 8″. I am obsessed. What does she do for a living? Whose wedding was it? Presumably a coworker’s. Was it nice? Did she bring her partner? Do they like to dance? Apparently not, because she is kind of group dancing with people from the ads. Does she find it difficult to be that tall? I always found it difficult to be tall and I’m a guy, where it is supposedly desirable, but I’ve heard from tall women friends that a lot of guys are put off from dating women taller than they are.

    We don’t watch a lot of TV but this ad was on heavy rotation for a good long while. Every time it came on I added to my questions about this Valkyrie, questions Better Half didn’t know the answer to and wouldn’t even engage in suppositions.

    • Did you know if you skip buying coffee every morning and invest the savings you can retire when you’re 50?*


      *also, you need your parents to cover the rent for your 2 bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side, cover 100% of your college and J school tuition, cover your living expenses for two years while you work for free for The Atlantic, pay for your health insurance, phone, vacations and health club. And deposit $250K in your 401K when you’re 21. But if they can economize on coffee and retire early, so can you!

      • My mom gave me similar nonsense because she was complaining how much money I spent in bars.

        I dunno. Sure I’d have some money, but it sucks to be a person with no actual friends and life outside of work.

        The $1000-$2000 I spent each year wasn’t wasted (or getting me wasted cause I enjoy a beer with friends now and then.)


  2. I like sleep and do what I can to give myself enough instead of burning out the candle at both ends.

    Especially on a job like mine (rotating shifts every two weeks.) Staying alert is a necessary and important to my personal safety/job well being.

  3. I’m so old, the kids I supervised in juvie are now approaching their 40s.

    Im so old, my first university students are now entering their 30s.

    I’m so old, 2/3 of my kids are in their 20s.

    I’m so old, almost all of my pets are over 10.

  4. Wait, are you talking about the Costco that’s supposed to be in University City? Christ, they’ve been going back and forth over that almost as long as over trying to get the damn Trolley (back) up and running.

    I mean, if that’s what it is, you’re sure as fuck not old — you’re just out of the loop (no pun intended).

  5. I was at Costco yesterday & after we checked out this old lady stopped me & started asking me where we got the sweet potato crackers.  My wife immediately bonded w/ this lady over how they NEED them everyday.  Her husband & my eyes met & I saw my future!  She left him at the checkout on a search for crackers.

    • Did you ever see the Progressive ad that’s part of the series “Don’t become your parents” where the guy and the “counselor” are in a supermarket? It bewilders me. Why NOT do everything the guy does, because I have.

  6. i wake up at first light nowadays….which is early as fuck in the weekends

    but in todays case its i should have been at work 29 minutes ago


    welp….the helpful ukranians tell me not to worry

    anyways….im off to work

Leave a Reply