Jamboroo (Knockoff): Sonic Doesn’t Suck Anymore [14/11/19]

All right then. It looks like Drew’s Jamboroo is MIA this week, so here we go.

Let’s get this out of the way first: I was a Nintendo kid, and I’m still a Nintendo adult. My last console purchase was a Switch, and I quickly snatched up five games, and have been playing them all with great enjoyment and a socialization not typical for me and video games.

But! I did enjoy opportunities to play Sonic the Hedgehog games. I had a couple friends with the Genesis, so I got at Sonic 1 and 2 on a semi-regular basis. Later on, when I had emulators, I acquired the Genesis one with the impetus of seeing just what kind of games I could get since so many people I knew had owned one back in the day. Well, beyond the Sonic games there wasn’t much that stood out. So I got at it, and played me some Sonic.

I do not have an excess of love for the character. I feel like they’ve tried too hard to get him to become something that he’s not. That there were two cartoons with two different tones, both having Jaleel White voicing the titular hedgehog, was problematic as hell for me. I watched them, and they were okay, but it seemed like Sega was all over the map, flailing in an attempt to get Sonic to be Mario. Never happened.

Now, we’ve reached a point where Sonic is definitely not Mario. He has a movie coming out that may actually be sensical. We all can remember the horror with which we reacted upon seeing the original trailer for Sonic’s movie, and earlier this week they finally issued a trailer that responded to the cascade of feedback about Nightmare Hog.

There is a justifiable question being asked about whether the decision to remake Sonic is setting a bad precedent. Looks aside, just changing up the trailer to look more fun is a good move. The original again reeked of the attempt to make Sonic something that he isn’t. Making him the wisecracking hedgehog with Jim Carrey’s rubber man antics should make for a serviceable flick. At least, it helps me think that Sonic doesn’t suck.

THE GAMES

(As always, rated on a watchability of throwgasms)

Five Throwgasms!

Texans @ Ravens: At this point, I’m willing to give five to any game Lamar Jackson is in. Guy is the most exciting player in the game, drink it in before it’s too late.

Four Throwgasms

Chiefs @ Chargers: Or, I guess, Chiefs @ Nomads. It’s gonna practically be a home game for KC, and Mahomes is coming back.

Patriots @ Eagles

Cardinals @ 49ers

Three Throwgasms

Steelers @ Browns: There’s a notion that the Browns could be in on signing Kaepernick after that shaft job that is the workout he’s getting. Which forces the question; involuntary retirement, or the Browns? Tough one.

Bears @ Rams

Bill @ Dolphins

Two Throwgasms

Falcons @ Panthers: The Falcons beat the Saints last week, and bad. I’m surprised Sean Payton didn’t stick his head in the goddamn oven.

Cowboys @ Lions

One Throwgasm

Holy fuck, there is a plethora of bad games this week. And yes, I do know what a plethora is.

Bengals @ Raiders

Jets @ Racists

Broncos @ Vikings

Saints @ Buccaneers

Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall

Rock on, baby.

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

We’re having impeachment hearings, so there’s all sorts of bad takes. I’m just gonna go with the obvious: Biff himself. He’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion, but every time you rewind it, another train appears and makes it 100 times worse.

Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Dallas -5

Oh man, them Lions! Weren’t they supposed to be good? C’mon, Stafford! Kareem would never have sat out!

2019 Magic Record: 4-4-1

Fire this Asshole!

Jay Gruden—DEAD!
Doug Marrone
Dan Quinn
Pat Shurmur
Adam Gase
Freddie Kitchens
Zac Taylor
Anthony Lynn
Jason Garrett
Matt Patricia
Vic Fangio
Matt Nagy

Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!

Cold? Body heat is the way to go, but don’t forget that you can always spoon with your dog, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get some leg humping action. Costs you nothing!

Sunday Afternoon movie for Bengals fans:

Road to Perdition: (IFC, 3:30) I’ve never seen this one myself, but its title sure sounds like the Bengals season. Also a pre-James Bond Daniel Craig is in it, as is Tom Hanks. Probably a good one if you don’t want to watch Supernova-face gloat.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote:

Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says “Genius at Work” spend all of his time watching a children’s cartoon show?

Enjoy the games. If you dare.