Stay the Fuck Inside (An Article You Can Share With People Who Don’t Want to Shelter in Place)

It feels like people don’t get it.

We’re in the middle of a global pandemic. Right now we are too far gone to prevent mass outbreaks. The only steps forward it to try and “flatten the curve”, or to slow the spread of the disease so as to not overwhelm our ability to effectively care for people. We are in full blown mitigation, which is why every government official that isn’t in the fucking White House or White House-official adjacent is taking this seriously.

This means reduced services, closed restaurants, closed theaters, reduced hours at grocery stores, having to Uber Eats everything, and staying. the. fuck. inside.

I get it. We all get stir crazy. No one is saying you can’t go for a walk. No one is saying you can’t let your kids play in your own yard. What they’re saying is that you can’t go to a party with 250 fucking people and let your kids run around with other kids, because your kids can literally, actually fucking die from this thing.

Or maybe you’re in your early twenties on spring break and…trust me, I get it. I know exactly what it’s like to be a stupid fucking twenty year old who thinks they know everything and thinks they are invincible.

You are wrong.

Life is about to superkick you in the dick, especially if you decide to get cute and party with a bunch of other dumb assholes on a beach somewhere. Young people are not immune to this thing, despite an early reporting that suggested otherwise. In fact, millenials are far more likely to be hospitalized than any other group suffering from coronavirus. Your wild spring break hook-ups could literally fucking kill you. Seriously. Grow the fuck up. Immediately. As every black grandma has said to a misbehaving child during the pastor’s Easter sermon while pinching their legs, “you betta act like you got some damn home trainin’.”

I know being inside sucks. I know as humans we are born to be social. Hell, I’m an introvert and the thought of being cooped up inside all day gets to me as much as anyone else. It’s also a uniquely American thing to simply hate being told what to do at any given time.

But seriously. Stay the fuck inside.

It sucks. It’s gonna go on way longer than anyone ever anticipated. It has ruined sports seasons and video game conferences. It delayed Animal Crossing if you’re buying on Amazon! It got to Tom Hanks! It means you may have to spend prolonged periods of time with your loved ones and realize you have nothing in common!

I don’t care. Stay the fuck inside. Only travel if you need to, for medical care and essential supplies. If you can work from home, please do. If you can’t work from home and your beholden to a company who’d rather see you potentially die than lose a precious cent in it’s stock price, 1.) I am so there with you that, if we weren’t all supposed to stay the fuck inside, we’d be touching, and 2.) wash your fucking hands. Use sanitizer. Clean everything. Don’t give a fuck if coworkers or customers are annoyed. In fact, if you have customers? Tell them to stay the fuck inside and do their business at another time. Yeah, it sucks, but it’s better than getting someone sick.

While we’re at it, don’t be a bag of dicks and buy up your local supply of toilet paper, or soap, or sanitizers. We’re in this shit together. And I know there’s nothing America hates more than the thought of coming together to work towards a solution to a problem that affects us all, but part of the reason other countries have been able to flatten the curve and keep more people healthier for longer is because they’ve been willing to acknowledge they are apart of a larger community who all need to get better. To be American is to be inherently selfish; it is just how we are. Selfishness is just as baked into the foundations of America as systemic racism, rampant sexism, and overly fattening food. (Which, while you’re staying inside, you can eat plenty of and not feel bad, because who the fuck is going to see you eating that whole tray of Oreo’s if your staying the fuck inside?) But at this time, maybe just put one thing of toilet paper in the cart. Maybe save some water for someone else. Maybe stop buying guns.

Just say inside and relax. Part of the reason you want to go outside is because you’re panicking and you’re feeling powerless. But you’re not powerless. You can kill this shit, or at least give medical professionals ample time and ample supplies to kill this shit. Just stay the fuck inside. Have you heard Frozen II is on Disney+? And you probably haven’t even scratched the service of your Steam library. Mass Effect 2 is great and you should play that shit again!

Or build a PC! I built one and it’s pretty cool! Here’s a handy guide! The parts might be slow getting to you, but they’ll come eventually! Here’s a video you can use. Or just watch it while you’re staying the fuck inside. It’s still fascinating.

What you absolutely should not do is what it appears you are doing, which is essentially continuing as though life is normal. Nothing is normal now. Nothing will be normal for the foreseeable future. And even if and when this pandemic dies down and is manageable, nothing will ever be the fucking same again. But, if you want to return to something that looks vaugely like normalcy?

Stay the fuck inside. Seriously. Before you fucking doom us all.