Stay the Fuck Inside (An Article You Can Share With People Who Don’t Want to Shelter in Place)

It feels like people don’t get it.

We’re in the middle of a global pandemic. Right now we are too far gone to prevent mass outbreaks. The only steps forward it to try and “flatten the curve”, or to slow the spread of the disease so as to not overwhelm our ability to effectively care for people. We are in full blown mitigation, which is why every government official that isn’t in the fucking White House or White House-official adjacent is taking this seriously.

This means reduced services, closed restaurants, closed theaters, reduced hours at grocery stores, having to Uber Eats everything, and staying. the. fuck. inside.

I get it. We all get stir crazy. No one is saying you can’t go for a walk. No one is saying you can’t let your kids play in your own yard. What they’re saying is that you can’t go to a party with 250 fucking people and let your kids run around with other kids, because your kids can literally, actually fucking die from this thing.

Or maybe you’re in your early twenties on spring break and…trust me, I get it. I know exactly what it’s like to be a stupid fucking twenty year old who thinks they know everything and thinks they are invincible.

You are wrong.

Life is about to superkick you in the dick, especially if you decide to get cute and party with a bunch of other dumb assholes on a beach somewhere. Young people are not immune to this thing, despite an early reporting that suggested otherwise. In fact, millenials are far more likely to be hospitalized than any other group suffering from coronavirus. Your wild spring break hook-ups could literally fucking kill you. Seriously. Grow the fuck up. Immediately. As every black grandma has said to a misbehaving child during the pastor’s Easter sermon while pinching their legs, “you betta act like you got some damn home trainin’.”

I know being inside sucks. I know as humans we are born to be social. Hell, I’m an introvert and the thought of being cooped up inside all day gets to me as much as anyone else. It’s also a uniquely American thing to simply hate being told what to do at any given time.

But seriously. Stay the fuck inside.

It sucks. It’s gonna go on way longer than anyone ever anticipated. It has ruined sports seasons and video game conferences. It delayed Animal Crossing if you’re buying on Amazon! It got to Tom Hanks! It means you may have to spend prolonged periods of time with your loved ones and realize you have nothing in common!

I don’t care. Stay the fuck inside. Only travel if you need to, for medical care and essential supplies. If you can work from home, please do. If you can’t work from home and your beholden to a company who’d rather see you potentially die than lose a precious cent in it’s stock price, 1.) I am so there with you that, if we weren’t all supposed to stay the fuck inside, we’d be touching, and 2.) wash your fucking hands. Use sanitizer. Clean everything. Don’t give a fuck if coworkers or customers are annoyed. In fact, if you have customers? Tell them to stay the fuck inside and do their business at another time. Yeah, it sucks, but it’s better than getting someone sick.

While we’re at it, don’t be a bag of dicks and buy up your local supply of toilet paper, or soap, or sanitizers. We’re in this shit together. And I know there’s nothing America hates more than the thought of coming together to work towards a solution to a problem that affects us all, but part of the reason other countries have been able to flatten the curve and keep more people healthier for longer is because they’ve been willing to acknowledge they are apart of a larger community who all need to get better. To be American is to be inherently selfish; it is just how we are. Selfishness is just as baked into the foundations of America as systemic racism, rampant sexism, and overly fattening food. (Which, while you’re staying inside, you can eat plenty of and not feel bad, because who the fuck is going to see you eating that whole tray of Oreo’s if your staying the fuck inside?) But at this time, maybe just put one thing of toilet paper in the cart. Maybe save some water for someone else. Maybe stop buying guns.

Just say inside and relax. Part of the reason you want to go outside is because you’re panicking and you’re feeling powerless. But you’re not powerless. You can kill this shit, or at least give medical professionals ample time and ample supplies to kill this shit. Just stay the fuck inside. Have you heard Frozen II is on Disney+? And you probably haven’t even scratched the service of your Steam library. Mass Effect 2 is great and you should play that shit again!

Or build a PC! I built one and it’s pretty cool! Here’s a handy guide! The parts might be slow getting to you, but they’ll come eventually! Here’s a video you can use. Or just watch it while you’re staying the fuck inside. It’s still fascinating.

What you absolutely should not do is what it appears you are doing, which is essentially continuing as though life is normal. Nothing is normal now. Nothing will be normal for the foreseeable future. And even if and when this pandemic dies down and is manageable, nothing will ever be the fucking same again. But, if you want to return to something that looks vaugely like normalcy?

Stay the fuck inside. Seriously. Before you fucking doom us all.

About KC Complains A Lot 135 Articles
KC Complains A Lot is another refugee from Deadspin. He enjoys writing and not caving to pressure from herbs.


  1. Black grandmas pinch too? My Italian grandma did those little bee sting pinches when we misbehaved in public. And once I was dumb enough to let out a yelp and got my butt spanked when we got home too.
    I got a text from Mr Portas this morning. (Yes, there’s a Mr Portas even if I haven’t mentioned him before.) His boss went into work this morning not feeling well and with a low grade fever! He went home a couple of hours later when his fever climbed. WTF? He went in, contaminated the building, and went home. I’m so upset because now I can’t see my daughter or go to the store for 14 days for fear I’m infected and can give it to someone else.

      • He just got home so I’m getting more of the story. Which has changed a couple of times. Mr P wasn’t in the office at the time, came back to a bunch of gossip. He got an email from the boss saying he hadn’t been in the main building, but used a temperature strip at an outlying building. Then went home and his thermometer showed no fever but he’ll be out for a couple of days just in case. Mr P talked to someone from the smaller building, said the bosses temp was 100.4, it all seems fishy to us. I don’t know if I should even go to the dog park, although we are staying at least 6 feet from each other there and it is outdoors. I’m going to avoid the store and daughter until I see if boss gets tested.

  2. i want to stay inside…and was staying inside…using up me holiday time whilst i can
    then work called me to make me come in coz everyone called in sick to stay inside…
    now they are wanting us to work overtime…even tho no orders are coming in or going out as half the world is on lockdown…. we’re just filling the warehouse…
    least untill we run out of parts… our supplier of brewers (kind of an important part of a coffee machine) is in milan.. and we get our printplates from china
    my jobsecurity isnt feeling so secure right about now
    (managements general innability to communicate doesnt help)

    • People who have to deal with their companies shitty policies are exempt from this. Trust me, where I work, the answer to how to deal with this has basically been “let’s do nothing, but somehow worse”.

      • policy at my place seems to be we must produce at full capacity regardless of demand or staff availability
        its the kind of thing experience tells me mass laying offs are nearing
        (its a good thing i have experience…coz management aint telling me shit…)
        (that said…i may be spared this time as i just got a lifers contract…still the signs are there and my spidey senses are tingling)

        • Layoffs are what worry me now. My company is saying, “No layoffs,” which, in my experience, is code for “Keep working like a madman who can’t afford to be unemployed and is trying to impress everyone until we lay you off.”

          They also laid off during the last recession, so that’s in the back of everyone’s minds.

  3. Seriously, I feel weird for having no issues with staying away from other people. It’s the Introverts Influenza. I am getting shit done at home and really very happy with that.

    • I’m a world class isolator, which makes the working from home thing easy…but it can be bad for my mental health if I let it go on too long. So, I’m picking up the phone more and calling friends. One of them called me the other day and said he saw something out his window that he hasn’t seen since 1975: two kids PLAYING OUTSIDE.

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