Sure Seems Like No One Wants To Coach the Cleveland Browns

The Washington Football Team hired Ron Rivera so quickly that it almost passed for competence for a notoriously incompetent organization. The Panthers managed to snag the coveted college guy Matt Rhule, and the Giants panicked so bad that they threw a dart at a board and hired whatever Patriots assistant it landed on. The Cowboys brain trust looked at Mike McCarthy’s one Super Bowl victory in 13 years and just demanded some of the mediocrity.

Just as quickly as all the coaching opportunities opened up, it seemed they all closed again. All of the opportunities except that of the Cleveland Browns, who definitely killed your favorite sports blog.

You could say that, in light of hiring Freddie Kitchens for reasons that seem to begin and end with “Baker Mayfield seemed to like him”, the Browns are being thorough. They’re interviewing Vikings offensive coordinator Kevin Stefansky today, interviewed Jim “He Couldn’t Turn Around The Lions But He’s Supposed to Turn Around The Browns, OK Boomer, Yeah, Sure Whatever” Schwartz, before finishing up with Josh McDaniels tomorrow, who allegedly has “preferred the Browns from the jump”, which is sure to last the five minutes between him agreeing to sign and then returning to New England for more money.

But all things told, who even wants that job? Who looks at the clusterfuck of personalities and ownership the Browns have and are like “sure, I’ll move myself to America’s bleakest city so that I can get fired in two years by Jimmy Haslam. Sounds like fun!”

The Browns have been through five head coaches and a handful of GMS/team presidents with Jimmy Haslam on the job, and basically no one has come out of Cleveland the way they left. The Browns expect to have a coach by Saturday, and naturally, everyone wants to be one of the 32 head guys, so they’ll take the job. But will they truly want the job?

Sure, Cleveland has an incredibly talented roster on paper, but still; it’s effing Cleveland. Losing is like a religion. Baker turned into a pumpkin and Odell turned into a JAG and Myles Garrett tried to end a guy’s whole career for tugging on his helmet. You’ve got no general manager (which is fine in dreaded COACH THINK, because there’s nothing a head coach likes less than having less responsibility or having to maybe have his opinion questioned) and an owner who’s as stable as our genius President, which is to say, not.

So yeah, the Browns might have a coach, but if no one has made the effort to go all out and really wow Cleveland into abandoning it’s search, it kinda seems like they’re all half-assing it for a job they don’t really want. Going from being an assistant for a somewhat stable organization to being Browns head coach is like going from being the assistant manager at the Apple Store to being the store manager at Spencer’s; sure, the pay is better and all, but everyone is going to look at you twice for getting at a job at a joke franchise that does nothing but try to fuck you and everyone else who walks in.

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About KC Complains A Lot 135 Articles
KC Complains A Lot is another refugee from Deadspin. He enjoys writing and not caving to pressure from herbs.

3 Comments

  1. I struggle with how I should feel about coaches. They’re not the rank and file but they’re not really management either. Not knowing anything about Doug Marrone, I loved that he walked out on the Bills for being the Bills and glad the Browns are being told thanks but no.

    Aside from Chubb and Landry I don’t like their skilled positions and think the hype about the roster is just that, hype. The QB lost me after Hard Knocks and not sharing the RV was a big mistake. Not sure how many players are left over from that camp but that’s the type of stuff that a locker room never forgets. If you’re going to be an asshole you better play balls out or guys will give up on you and you’ll never get them back.

    Of those listed McDaniels might be the best bet here and will probably be pretty good the 2nd time around too.

  2. The baseball team is good; the Cavs were good while LeBron was in town; and there are some good restaurants downtown. The Browns have issues, but it may be time to let up on Cleveland, which is a much better city than JVille, Tampa, Indy, or Green effin’ Bay.

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