Tell Me Something Good

There’s *gestures wildly* a lot going on right now, I know. Have you experienced anything positive this week or know somebody who has? Share it, we can all use the good vibes.

Here’s a dude saving a turtle:

What else do you have for me?



  1. Okay, pedantic hat on ’cause I know me some turtles and one lives in my family room and we talk. That’s not a turtle, it’s a tortoise. Turtles live in the water, tortoises live on land. Turtles can walk across roads, too, but they are a hell of a lot faster than tortoises and rarely require rescue. It’s really startling to see a turtle haul ass — they can MOVE if they’re motivated. Not big sea turtles, but the ones that live in fresh water and are smaller and more nimble.
    This looks like a gopher tortoise, but I’m not sure where the video was shot, which would probably tell me. In Florida it’s against the law to touch or interfere with a gopher tortoise (they are an endangered species), but no one will do anything to you for rescuing one from the highway. I’ve done it a dozen times and I give no fucks — give me a fine, I’m not gonna watch it die. The important thing is to get the tortoise to the side that he or she is already headed toward — otherwise they’ll turn around and go right back into the road. Usually they’re hunting for other tortoises to engage in tortoise activities, so they ain’t giving up until they get their groove on. 
    Final note: Tortoises are vegetarians and will never, ever hurt humans. This dude is perfectly safe. The wrong kind of turtle can fuck you up. Seriously, you could lose a finger. Turtle handlers at wildlife exhibits usually wear chain mail gloves. I’ve rescued turtles, too, but I know what I’m doing (more or less) and I drive a pickup truck and can toss them in the back if I need to drive them to a pond or lake. If you’re not sure what you’re up against, just kind of “chase” them across the road, stopping cars if you can. Typically, turtles aren’t at all endangered. So, while it kills me to do it, I’ll sometimes leave more aggressive ones to their own fate, or drive on by if it’s a heavy traffic situation.
    This has been your public service announcement on behalf of all chelonians.

    • I make a habit of helping out turtles whenever possible–usually box turtles.  One time, however, I came across a large snapping turtle.  I thought I’d give it a shot and see if he was willing.  He was not.  This little bastard actually turned around to face me and started snapping at me (I was still about 10 feet away).  So, I said, “fuck ya, pal, good luck”, got in my car and left.

      • A snapping turtle will fuck you up. We had one in our pond growing up and he kept eating our ducks’ feet. One poor little duck just swam in circles. My dad decided we would catch him and take him some place else, so we constructed a milk jug with a hook on a string. We baited it with a hot dog. Caught the fucker and relocated him to someone else’s pond. I remember when he snapped though – his neck came out a scary length. Like you had to MOVE. 

        My 78 year old dad had a pet turtle but he got lost (in the house?) and/or ran away. The saga was live-tweeted:


        • When I lived in Los Angeles many moons ago – I had a friend that had 20 red ear sliders( I think that’s what they were called) and a young snapping turtle named Benji-  it was a little bit bigger than the other ones. They all lived in the same tank and we built them an outdoor enclosure with a kiddy pool. She worked at a pet store and would bring home the ones that didn’t sell after a while. We would drink a lot of beer and smoke pot and watch the turtles crawl around for hours on end. Anyhoo – we went on a camping trip one long weekend and when we came back couldn’t find the snapping turtle. We looked all over for that little mf. Never could find it. A few days later – she was cleaning out the tank and found one of it’s legs. The red eared sliders had eaten it. 
          Okay, so not a good story – but we never watched those little shits ever again stoned – we were afraid we’d fall asleep and get eaten. 

        • We’ve got snappers in our lake that keep eating the cygnets (which is actually a good thing because swans are an invasive species), but they don’t seem to get the ducks or geese that we can tell.  Mrs. Butcher has a regular clientele of ducks that she feeds every day.  I’m not wild about feeding the wild (due to my time in AK), but she’s not going to stop and it makes her happy.

        • People don’t realize how fast turtles can be, how agile they are, and how smart they are. My turtle climbs stairs, comes when I call him, and knocks on the atrium door to come back inside when I put him out there (usually when I clean his tank). He also clearly prefers me to my wife and daughter (who is ostensibly his “owner”). Also, they live for like 70 years, maybe more – nobody seems to be quite sure. Which is understandable, since there aren’t a lot of people who’ve owned the same turtle for decades. 

          • One time my brother had a pet box turtle and I accidentally dropped it. I thought I killed him but he just closed up the front part of his shell like a little flap. 

            I’m here for turtle content! I didn’t know I was opening such a Pandora’s box!

    • Ooh yum! One of my neighbors has a fig tree. It seems fickle – some years there’s zero figs and others there’s a ton. She made ice cream one year it was amazing!


Leave a Reply