That’s right, it’s Star Wars time, and I’m not going to apologize for being excited. Star Wars has always been a major part of my life. The first film I went to see in the theatre was Empire, as I was in the womb when the original was in theatres. My son was born before Episode VII hit, but you don’t take an 8-month old to a movie. Hard no. Rather, like me, he was about three when Episode VIII hit, and he went to see it with us as his first movie. What’s best is he was super well behaved, so much that nobody would have known there was a little kid in the theatre if they hadn’t seen him there. I like to think I was similarly enthralled when I saw Empire.
But now, the saga ends completely. Supposedly. They seem to be setting it in stone, but we’ll see. I guess it depends on things like potential retcons of certain characters’ bloodlines. If Rey is a Skywalker in the end, I won’t rule anything out as far as there being an Episode X.
I had hoped that we will not be subjected to the same level of bullshit that surrounded The Last Jedi, with bots sowing discord and dragging down the scores. But that seems part and parcel for how things work nowadays. The Russians appear to want to pit us against each other in ways other than politics, and people allow it to happen, because people are stupid. Or money. Or both.
I logged onto the RoS IMDB page, to give you an idea what I’m talking about, and there’s a review that’s on there trying to make all sorts of spoiler-style assertions. None of them can possibly be realistic(Palpatine would have to have a child before he could have a grandchild, for instance), but that’s not the point. This is where things have gotten to now, apparently. People want to be spoilsports because reasons. It was displayed on the front page of the film, which makes it unavoidable…like destiny. If this knob had a real spoiler, he’d have fucked over a ton of people.
The lesson here? Don’t log onto anyplace like IMDB before the movie comes out. I’ve avoided spoilers for two years, and dammit I’m gonna make it til Thursday evening. Then we’ll see who is whose father’s-brother’s-nephew’s-cousin’s-former roommate. Or if anyone is Batman.
The Games
Five Throwgasms!
Ravens @ Browns: It almost seems ridiculous to call the Browns a dumpster fire, and hitting low-hanging fruit by calling them a Lake Erie fire. Things have certainly not been dull for them, that much is certain. And they’re the only franchise to not post an above-.500 record this decade. Yeah, even the Lions have actually gotten over the hump a couple times. And now Lamar Jackson comes to town. This will definitely end in fire, be it on the lake or not.
Bills @ Patriots: Can you imagine Bills Mafia if they win this one? Sweet mercy, there won’t be a table left in that city. Also, here’s an interesting story on the Pats’ supposedly innocent video crew and the intriguing suggestion that the Pats get DQ’d from the playoffs. Yeah, it won’t happen, but if the Ginger Hammer is serious about game integrity, he’s gotta do something, because the punishments they’ve gotten thus far clearly aren’t getting the job done.
Rams @ 49ers
Four Throwgasms
Saints @ Titans: The Drew Brees GOAT arguments are really out in full force, aren’t they? You know who looks stupid as fuck in the whole situation? The Dolphins, for one thing. Lest we forget. And in my eyes, the Lions. When Brees was drafted, the Lions were near the back of the first round. I sat there and begged them to take Brees, as though they could hear me. Needless to say, they didn’t. Though on the other hand, the Lions were run by Millen then, and are the worst franchise top to bottom in the NFL. They probably would have gotten Brees killed.
Chiefs @ Bears
Packers @ Vikings
Three Throwgasms
Texans @ Bucs: I looked when I compiled this, and somehow the Bucs have seven wins? Dafuq? Jameis Winston may have yet saved his job, if you can believe it. Stuff crab legs down my pants and arrest me for shoplifting, it’s a Saturnalia miracle.
Panthers @ Colts
Cowboys @ Eagles
Two Throwgasms
Steelers @ Jets: This one could have been interesting for the Le’Veon Bell factor. But we all know that his going to the Jets killed his career, year off or no. The big-game aspect of this one is for shit, though the Jets do have a spoiler possibility. Not terribly likely, though, cuz MEIN GOTT the Jets are bad, but when you have your QB ignoring his instructions and throwing game-ending INTs, then who can say.
Jaguars @ Falcons
Raiders @ Chargers
One Throwgasm
Lions @ Broncos: GAAAAAHHHHHHHHH….[/dies]. The Lions announced that Quinn and The Accused Rapist/Pencil Man will return next season, because the Lions openly despise their fanbase. It’s shit like this that makes me want to smack Rod Wood until his eyeballs switch places, though I know that Martha Ford signed off on this, which figures. IDK if Bill Ford, Jr. is going to be Rocky Wirtz for this franchise when she dies off, but if he’s not, then you can be sure that the franchise will continue to circle the drain for a few more generations.
Giants @ Racists
Bengals @ Dolphins
Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Very few people know this, but I have a tattoo of the word “Tenac” on my ass, too. Yet to find my “Ious D,” though.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
Jeff Van Drew. What a fucking imbecile. Congrats on your inevitable defeat in the coming election, though.
Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Saints, -3
I know a thing or two about being the greatest, and damn that Drew Brees guy, he’s the greatest! There’s gonna be more air traffic in that stadium than the FedEx hub in Memphis!
2019 Magic Record: 7-6-1
Fire this Asshole!
- Jay Gruden—DEAD!
- Ron Rivera—DEAD!
- Jason Garrett ******
- Dan Quinn
- Pat Shurmur
- Adam Gase
- Freddie Kitchens *
- Zac Taylor
- Anthony Lynn
- Vic Fangio
- Bill Belichick (uh oh!)
(*How does this guy still have a fucking job)
Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!
Wrapping paper issues? Why spend the money? Just take some paper towels or aluminum foil and wrap those gifts that way! Just make sure you keep them away from heat, or there goes the house again!
Sunday Afternoon movie for Bengals fans: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 11 AM, Paramount
Yeah, Temple of Doom. Yeah, it’s not the best one, but you can imagine that Kali-Maaa, cover your heart scene is pretty good symbolism. Yes, as opposed to symbology. And Last Crusade comes on right after for a real palate cleanser.
Gratuitous Futurama Quote:
Like my Grammy always said, if you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself. God rest her zombie bones.
Enjoy the games, everybody.
The Williams Sonoma Guide is out!
https://www.vice.com/amp/en_us/article/qjd4k3/the-2019-haters-guide-to-the-williams-sonoma-catalog
I’ve only just started, but the catalog cover this year is a festive cake sliced open and looking it is spilling its M&M guts all over the cake stand. Nothing says Christmas like a giant mound of flour, butter and sugar dying horribly and all alone.
https://deadsplinter.com/2019/12/19/oh-wow-did-i-just-see-the-christmas-spirit-meter-on-santas-sleigh-spike-into-the-red/
I miss the days when being a Star Wars fan was fun. As someone who was old enough to see the original in the theatre, I was so pumped for Empire… Devoured the novelization in a few days, before even seeing the movie; seeing the first pictures of snow troopers in Starlog… I’m excited to see the new film, if a bit wary. Mostly dreading the inevitable backlash from what has become a toxic fanbase that’s just waiting to bash this thing, no matter how good or bad it is.
I don’t know if it qualifies me for the “toxic” banner but I know I figured out a while ago that although I think of myself as “a fan of star wars” the amount of star wars I’m actually a fan of has arguably dropped below 50% so I don’t think there’s even a hypothetical star wars episode IX that could make up for the missteps in the last five episodes & “redeem” the franchise…
& if there were then Disney wouldn’t make the sucker…
so I find the key to getting to enjoy them has been a ruthless management of expectations so that if they manage to be less disappointing than expected it feels like a win…
sadly that doesn’t seem to work for the political sagas of the day…
Someone pointed out on Kinja how hard it used to be to be an asshole. Like, if you hated a comic book or something, you’d have to write a letter, get an envelope, write the address, finds a stamp, walk to a mail box, drop it in, and then you’d have to hope and pray that maybe your letter to the editor in chief would actually wind up in the comic book or in a fan zine or something.
So it’s like you have to pause and think if you wanted to waste the time to be really mad that Luke and Leia are brother and sister, or that Boba Fett’s character arc was wasted, or whatever. Star Wars fans have always been assholes; it was just harder to be an asshole before. Now you can fire out a 300-Tweet long Twitter thread about how and why Rose’s character personally destroyed your entire childhood and curse her out and find entire communities of like-minded dickbags who will agree with you and do the same.
There was no movie Disney could make that would please these people, so I wish they’d done with the Marvel movies and just not even bothered to fucking try to appeal to them except on this most base level.
I think I’m with you in the substance of that but I guess I must have been an awkward kid in a few ways because I always thought part of the fun of star wars had to do with it being sufficiently open ended that you could tack on to it more or less anything you felt like imagining…
so I kind of had/have a hard time not pointing out in idle conversation that this-or-that thing makes no objective sense because I frequently make the mistaken assumption that everyone agrees that it’s fun to talk about but the whole thing is made up & there is no one true sacrosanct true path of continuity for characters, setting or really any other aspect of the franchise…which has been known to land me in a doghouse or two…
if folks spent less time demanding everyone agree that they have to imagine the exact same thing or the world will come to a premature end & devoted more of that obsessively painstaking imaginative output to the task of finding ways to paper over the cracks it might go a long way…
maybe it might help if they adopted a similar division of core-target-audience to the one employed either side of the soft/hard sci-fi divide – marvel kind of did it on the big screen & of all things the arrowverse shows on the smaller-but-increasingly-big screens a bunch of us have at home these days have definitely shown that you can have a reasonably broad spectrum of tone &/or approach to things like setting & context very much in the manner of different artist/writer runs of the same characters in comic book terms – so if there was a star wars equivalent to thor: ragnarok I’m pretty sure I’d be in the queue to give them yet more of my money
…but what do I know – at this point I’m pretty sure the jedi’s chosen people have considered me apostate for the better part of 6 movies now
…& yet in my head I still like star wars.
I mean it’s one thing to shoot the shit about Star Wars and it’s various plotpoints that don’t quite make sense when you think about it. Hell, that’s even fun. Talking about Star Wars is fun.
Harassing an actress so bad she has to quit social media and a multimedia conglomerate responding by all but erasing her from the next movie because a bunch of dickheads didn’t like the Canto Bight scenes and think that the executive producer of the movie just wants to #FEMINISM all over their movie? That’s different.
People can not like the movie without acting like a bad movie (in their opinion) has ruined the Original Trilogy. The movies are still there. You can even track down the original originals if you want. But demanding recuts of movies without women and generally being loathesome threatening assholes about what is essentially a movie made for kids is just a bad look.
oh, very much so…& I like to think I stay on the right side of the divide…just figured I’d preemptively mention that sometimes opinions differ on my success rate with that…
so I’d like to think we’re on the same page, there…
I’m an old school fan. I read all the books, and thought Thrawn, Wedge Antillies, and Mara Jade were the coolest characters in the universe. I hate that all that got brushed aside to make room for Jar Jar, and that Lucas decided to explain all the stuff that was better left to the imagination (e.g. the clone wars).
And you know what? All that stuff is still there. Am disapointed we’ll never get another proper Rogue book? Sure. Can I go back and re-read any of them at any time? Yep.
One comparison that comes to mind for me is the girl power scene from Avengers. I thought it was dumb and didn’t fit in at all. But it wasn’t for me, and the two little girls near me in the theater loved it. 95% of pandering has been pointed at me for the majority of my lifetime. It would be the height of hypocrisy to complain when someone else gets a taste.
Lions fans deserve what they get, I should know as they are the team of my youth but then I grew up. The Fords are the epitome of the Sports Industrial Complex Oligarchy. Using their influence to maintain a monopoly with rules that limit what employees can earn to absolve themselves of any punishment for failure.
And they’re laughing all the way to the bank.
My dad conintues to say his greatest accomplishment is to have never purchased a ticket to a Lions game. He even cut me out of the family’s golf club membership when I bought my ticket to the Cowboys playoff game after the 91 season.
Pencil boy should have never been hired but they should have shown him the door after the news broke shortly after they did. A revovling door of head coaches does a team no good. Clarke had a fair shot but Fontes should have never been fired but was a year too early based on which HCs became available the following season. The players really liked Moeller and if they get that 50+ figgie they’re in the playoffs that season even after Ross quit.
The Fords again go the wrong way after the Millen/Mooch power struggle. Even Bill Parcells made it known he wanted to coach the Lions they said no. WTF.
Anyone buying their tickets or merch deserves to root for a 5-11 team every year. Fools. Every last one of them are fools.
I’m ready for the Star Wars finale and I have little doubt that will love it. I always do even though I’m not expecting much from JJ and fear he did same with this he did with E7. I loved E8 and really wish they let Johnson do 9 too but for some reason The Mouse never asks me for advice. Just look how that worked out for them….
Count this as another week I’ll be watching NCAA Football playoffs in AA, D2 & D3 over the NFL but might check in on Eagles/Cowboys & Hawks/Cards.
As people have pointed out, it’s weird that they went into this trilogy seemingly without a map of how the plot was going to go. It seems they just let Rian Johnson and JJ come up with their own ideas as they went along. I still really enjoyed the last two films and I’m sure I’ll fun watching the new one. Star Wars got me when I saw the first one in the theater as a little kid. But, if they were going to go the make it up as they go along route, I almost wish they had done it as an exquisite corpse and had three writers and directors make their films without having any idea what the other two were about. That could have been interesting.
I think the number one way they screwed up was the whole Republic/Resistance/First Order schism thingee. I spent the first two movies scratching my head wondering who these people were and how they related to everyone in the original movies.
I finally looked at Wikipedia and saw there was a huge offscreen storyline developed, but what the hell is the point of movie plots that only make sense if you read a bunch of other stuff?
I fail to see why they didn’t just have some new bad guys invade the giod guy galaxy from the evil galaxy next door. Much simpler to follow — heck, it opens the door to a ton of new merchandising. You could even have random bad guy refugees flying around with the new bad guys if you want some continuity.
A huge failing of the prequels was Lucas thinking it would be cool to have impossibly complicated political machinations. I don’t think it was smart of the new directors to keep that thinking alive.