The Correction of a Republican: A Play in Three Acts


(REPUBLICAN has a moment of clarity and remembers his duty: he is employed to serve his country, not to–as they say–the Grand Ol’ Party. As what’s left of his conscience climbs out of the dark pit in which it was placed by party loyalty, he speaks his mind.)


“It was probably the worst briefing I’ve seen, at least on a military issue, in the nine years I’ve served in the United States Senate! I find it insulting, and I find it demeaning to the Constitution of the United States to which we’ve all sworn an oath.”

(At the moment REPUBLICAN is planning to do the objectively correct thing and vote to limit the power of ORANGE EXECUTIVE, who cannot be trusted with caring for a pet rock, let alone a country with a nuclear arsenal. Exit REPUBLICAN stage left.)


(The actors are backstage but the audience can faintly hear what’s transpiring. Ad-libbed. REPUBLICAN is getting yelled at by others in his caucus. Comments about showing weakness, betraying the cause, getting it through his thick skull that supporting ORANGE EXECUTIVE through everything is the only way to further the agenda, etc. MAJORITY LEADER cuts through.)



(Ad-libbing stops.)

Senator, you have shamed The Party and put everything at risk. Let me remind you what will happen if you don’t get yourself in line.

(Generic threatening sounds. REPUBLICAN whimpers.)

Have I made myself clear.

(Sound of walking away, the grunt of an angry tortoise, and a door slam.)


(REPUBLICAN is on stage being interviewed by FAUX REPORTER. He looks confident yet cowardly. What was left of his conscience has been pushed back down to depths from which it may never return. He speaks rather unconvincingly.)


Something something whatever Trump does is “legally, morally, justifiable and fully constitutional”; blah blah I luckily used the phrasing “military issue” which gives me a pretty flimsy get out-card; hail Reagan hail Reagan “BENGHAZI” and also “HILLARY CLINTON”; and never forget, “I applaud this President, I support this President. He’s been fantastic, he’s been unprecedentedly deferential to the American people and restrained in his use of command in chief power more than any other President in my lifetime.”

(The correction is complete. Dim lights as REPUBLICAN exits stage right.)

* Stage note: If anyone in the audience gasps, the cast should go into the seats and slap them. Anyone who thinks this was at all a surprise ending deserves it.



  1. But if it was just Mother who he was fucking, would that *really* be Kompromat-worthy?😉

    There’s gotta be…. I dunno… pool boys, or dead people, or something(!) worse than poor Mrs. Pence.

    I mean that picture of her smiling, in the hat, with all her teeth showing was a bit traumatic & all…

    But it surely couldn’t have been bad enough to qualify as Kompromat😈

    • Pool boys. It’s pool boys. Pence comes across as a deeply repressed homosexual, who turned to fundamentalist Christianity to “cure” himself. I was raised fundamentalist, and I’ve seen it before. A lot. FYI, that “cure” NEVER works. I’m sure he and Mother came to an “arrangement” a long time ago.

  2. For a brief moment, the horror fades, and the light illuminates the darkness. A faint hope that perhaps this time it will be different, that maybe the broken and battered soul can emerge from the muck and redeem itself for at least some of the terrible sins it has committed.

    Then a figure appears, casting everything into shadow once again. It’s terrible glass-eyed stare locks onto the terrified soul and the turtle whispers in a twisted, sneering tone with a hint of Kentucky drawl:

    “No consulting job for you. A-yupp.”

    The soul screams in terror and dives headfirst back into the muck, consoling itself with the reminder that soon it will have that sweet, sweet money that it was promised long ago. And the darkness returns once more.

  3. Well this is exactly right.

    Also, it’s so predictable that when Mike Lee started doing this (last week or ten years ago or whenever that was), I predicted his trajectory exactly right.

  4. now do the Lindsey “Blanche” Graham story. You know the one where he finds out that someone has pictures of him in compromising (mostly doggy style) positions with his young gentleman that he “mentors” and then becomes a complete sycophant.

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