Without exaggeration, Beauvoir is an old place that still exists. It is in Mississippi.
“What the hell is Beauvoir?” you are asking me. “How do you even pronounce that? Is it French? Beeee-uuu-vooo–” oh, my god, please stop. True fact: it’s unpronounceable. I’ll let you in on a secret, though. If you are south of the Mason-Dixon line, simply whisper vowels on the night of a new moon and the ghost of William Faulkner will take them into his eternal embrace, whereupon he will fart them back into the breeze; a Confederate flag will flap; a mule will sneeze; and then, there, riding the oil-slicked ripple of a limp Gulf Coast wave, a mosquito will come to you, whining:
Beauvoir!
Even if you know nothing about Beauvoir, you are familiar with it. This is because America has many old places which still exist. These places are all different, of course, but they do share a few essential traits — they all belonged to a dead person who did a history and a nice lady who works (lives?) there will tell you about it before waving you on to a gift shop full of new-looking old things and books and t-shirts and sticks of honey or striped rods of flavored sugar, which, miracle of miracles, are five for a dollar! You buy “sassafras.” You find out it’s just root beer. You are disappointed.
All of this is obviously unfair and impolite to Beauvoir, which is just a house, so please allow me to sketch for you using a familiar format some of the more interesting details of The Jefferson Davis Home and Presidential Library. I am referring, obviously, to the items for sale in its gift shop.
Before we begin, however, in case you are unfamiliar with Jefferson Davis, here’s what you must know:
Jefferson Davis was a 19th Century mob boss. He presided over regional gangs led by wealthy men associated by a shared belief that behaving barbarously towards other human beings was both a case for and justification of their own superiority. Stone age tools have maintained sharper points than this, but when the early American political system, which had permitted these men to shroud violent extortion behind a veneer of public legitimacy, finally got around to canceling them, these men scrambled for their fainting couches.
After coming to and consulting one another, not only were these men incapable of talking any sense into themselves, but the best plan these cosplaying aristocrats could come up with was, I shit you not, to double down and cosplay the whole damn United States — only, of course, with explicit permission to do slavery.
And so the Confederate States of America ripped off the U.S. Constitution, added some requisite bits about keeping slaves, and made Jefferson Davis — a man born in Kentucky and gifted a Mississippi plantation — its “Honorable” President. You might expect a former Senator and then a former U.S. Secretary of War and then a former Senator again to have been better at any one of his jobs, but you would be wrong! As you may have heard, the Confederate States of America lost the Civil War and Davis’ political denouement was him yelling a lot about how states are definitely allowed to secede, which he did literally until he died.
In the end, snap bracelets lasted longer than the Confederacy, but Jefferson’s Davis’ home — Beauvoir! — is still standing, actually and metaphorically. Today, as America grapples with how the Confederate States’ five-year existence has justified more than a hundred years of so, so many white people clinging to the illusion of a simpler time, it is increasingly and inescapably obvious that the “heritage” of the Confederacy was always a self-delusional charade, but perhaps more importantly we are beginning to recognize this charade endures because people are still selling the fucking costumes.
***
Secret Decoder
Price: $19.95
Copy: “Civil War Secret Decoder Cypher Wheel”
Awesome Says: A bonafide replica of the children’s toys Confederate spies used to communicate during the Civil War. Highly recommended for encrypting messages on social media or leaving fun notes for your children to unscramble: D-R-I-N-K-Y-O-U-R-S-W-E-E-T-T-E-A.
***
CW era reproduction Compass
Price: $14.95 $14.95
Copy: “Every child should learn how to use a compass. Fully functioning and comes with a map.”
Awesome Says: The cause is lost — but you don’t have to be! We apologize that last year we sold broken compasses, but these are fully functioning. As a gesture of goodwill we’ve slashed the price to the same price. (Disclaimer: Civil War Compass only points south.)
***
Battenburg Lace parasol
Price: $30.00 $30.00
Copy: “Available in black also. Beautiful Battenburg Lace parasol. Perfect for keeping the sun away. NOT water proof.”
Awesome Says: The parasols are not broken. I repeat, the parasols are not broken! Battenburg lace is delicate and designed only to block, as they say over in Natchez, “Satan’s biscuit-blazin’ anus.” Simply not made to withstand the 135% humidity of a very normal spring evening oh my god why does anyone live here???
***
Bowl of Roses Umbrella
Price: $30.00 $38.00
Copy: “As functional as it is beautiful. Elegant vintage Rose print. Large enough to provide excellent rain protection.”
Awesome Says: Due to the high volume of parasol returns, the umbrellas are more expensive now.
***
Polyester printed flags
Price: $10.00 $10.00
Copy: 3’x5′. Printed polyester flags. 1st, 2nd, 3rd Nat’l Confederate, Bonnie Blue, MS, Gadsden, Trans-Mississippi (Taylor Brigade), US. Battle Flags available in 4’x4′ or 4’x6′.
Awesome Says: The great paradox of Confederate Civil War history buffs is they’re capable of observing great detail while learning absolutely nothing from it. These people can can tell you the exact course a cannonball took at the Battle of Goiter Creek and precisely where it shattered the kneecap of Percy Brandlebump and who exactly he cursed out as he lay dying, but they can’t figure out what slavery has to do with any of it. Still, let’s give them some credit for preserving the memory of these military flags, because the only noble thing a Confederate soldier ever did on a battlefield was die.
***
Slave Ships
Price: $14.95
Copy: [none]
Awesome Says: Just like everything draped in a Confederate flag, this collection of historical accounts of the slave trade is offered without any historical context whatsoever.
***
The Constitution of the CSA
Price: $10.95
Copy: [none]
Awesome Says: Perfect for the fledgling nation state with big ideas but not a whole lot of time. Customers who bought “The Constitution of the CSA” also bought “The Constitution of the United States of America” and “Slave Ships and Slaving.”
***
A Short History Confederate States of America
Price: $42.95
Copy: “By Hon. Jefferson Davis”
Awesome Says: It sure was!
***
Beauvoir Room Spray
Price: $17.95
Copy: “Beauvoir Luxury Room Spray. Beauvoir Luxury Room Spray.”
Awesome Says: Pick up a bottle of antebellum Febreze and close your eyes to be transported to A Simpler Time™ at Beauvoir when drops of new magnolia blossoms mingled on the evening air with the dusty wheeze of his Honor’s ball sweat. Masks the odor of human misery. Does not sanitize.
***
The South Was Right
Price: $27.95
Copy: “By James Ronald Kennedy and Walter Donald Kennedy”
Awesome Says: Humor me. Let’s remove “Southerners” and “own slaves” from the dust jacket summary of the historical argument presented here and let’s see if even the basic premise holds up: “The idea that ___________ would die in order for only 6 percent of the population to __________ just does not pass the “sniff” test.” Swing and miss. Next.
***
Song of the South DVD
Price: $30.00
Copy: “Song of the South DVD”
Awesome Says: You knew this was coming. Disney+ gave up on the “outdated cultural depictions” in Song of the South (a precarious precedent, if you ask me, for a company whose entire back catalogue is “outdated cultural depictions”) but thankfully the film’s memory will be saved at [checks notes] the former home of a dead Confederate president.
***
Uncle Remus & Brer Rabbit” Storybook
Price: $19.95
Copy: “Uncle Remus and Brer Rabbit Book #473”
Awesome Says: The folk stories at the heart of Song of the South. Believe it or not, this isn’t even the most blatantly obnoxious racist shit for sale at Beauvoir. Keep reading.
***
Beauvoir Honey – 25.3 oz
Price: $23.95
Copy: “Beauvoir Honey 25.3 oz #4044”
Awesome Says: Okay, I’d buy this. Why wouldn’t I buy this?! It’s a goddamn wine bottle full of honey! I’ll probably find out later that the bees kept bee slaves, but of all the things in the Beauvoir gift ship this is one thing I’d actually take home with me. Makes one glass of sweet tea.
***
Little Black Sambo
Price: $8.95
Copy: “Little Black Sambo. Helen Bannerman”
Awesome Says:
Yes, but how was the snack bar?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sambo%27s
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/sambo-s-which-once-had-1-100-restaurants-changes-name-n1226696
I find it absolutely hilarious these titans of industry discovered the connection to their name and decided to lean -in- on the racist tropes. Can’t believe that didn’t work out better for them!
I remember when the Sambo’s shit hit the fan in the late 70’s. As a kid I didn’t understand it of course, because we had a German Shepherd named Sambo (It was my older brother’s idea–I wanted to name the dog Julius). I’m surprised/not surprised that there were still locations carrying the name.
I … uh … I actually worked at a Sambo’s. I was a dishwasher. The summer between high school and college.
I really don’t know what else to say about that, so I’m just gonna stop here.
Thanks Awesome, I love it. This sent me: It’s a goddamn wine bottle full of honey! I’ll probably find out later that the bees kept bee slaves…
“Makes one glass of sweet tea.” Bwahahaha!
What barbarian makes sweet tea with honey? You’re supposed to super-saturate it with sugar while the brew is still hot. Then, when it’s cool enough, you fill a glass with ice, pour in the sugar-sweetened tea, and dump it in the toilet where it belongs.
That’s the point where I lost it.
I’m DYING
“Due to the high volume of parasol returns, the umbrellas are more expensive now.“
They slashed the price up!
Okay, parasols are going to make a comeback as the planet heats up. Mark my words. People down here in Florida are already walking around with umbrellas on hot, sunny days (so basically 328 days of the year).
Put your money in parasol futures. Just maybe not Confederate parasols.
A few years ago I bought some cheap paper parasols from an Asian market to use at Pride. It’s always so hot and sunny and I figured if there was anyplace my friends and I could walk around with brightly colored parasols it was pride. We were glad to have them.
The South: We just wanted to be left alone!
Me: Hmm, sure, that doesn’t seem so bad
The South: … to do our slavery in peace
Me: Ah.
Jefferson Davis: You see, the Constitution is merely a compact from which any party is permitted to withdraw at any time.
Slaves: Go on.
Southern historian: It was about state’s rights!
Me: I see, and was there a particular right they were interested in?
Historian: Well, uh, also the economics …
Me: Sure, sure, and what WAS their most valuable resource at the time?
Historian: … cotton.
Me: Was it, though?
Bo-vwa(r). French is the worst.
You can see how hard this slave farm is trying to be to be Mount Vernon, also a slave farm, and the result is second-class which is keeping with the theme of the Confederacy.
Great write up!
Meanwhile, the Insane Clown Posse is selling these instead:
http://psychopathicmerch.com/products/v2/259024/rebel-flag-black
2020 The year that ICP proved themselves the most rational of us all.
The real insane clown posse is the GOPers.
I enjoy time travel SF, but generally loathe most alternative history novels.
I guess the reason why is it appeals to morons like the Kennedy brother lovers. The unreality and denial of reality required to allow the Nazis or Sothrons win usually makes me laugh.
It really is too bad that Phillip K. Dick’s Man In the High Castle opened the door to Nazis and Confederate dipshits trying to pretend they could actually win the wars they started.
All I’m gonna say, is that Sherman shoulda aimed a bit bigger, and more… westerly? as he was making that seaward jaunt…
He should’ve made the M & A of the “M,A,G”* states howl, too.🤬🤬🤬
**the mnemonic device we were taught as… 6th graders? decades ago, learning Geography, was that the order three states above Florida spelled “MAG”–not really a word, but an easier term to remember than a bunch of individual state names.