The New York Times Responds To Readers

4/9/24 blue dogcollar 10
Bald Man
Detail from The forty thieves or the common scoundrels of New-York / John L. Magee / 1840 / source: https://www.loc.gov/item/2008661348/

How Better Can We Show We Care?

Hello readers, I’m A.G. Sulzberger, Publisher of the New York Times. It’s been brought to my attention that several of you have concerns about The New York Times, and I want to assure you that I always take your views with the seriousness I think they deserve. I trust you will find these responses enlightening.

A Reader Writes:

The online crossword for August 28 contained the clue for 18 Down “Largest city in Egypt” and the space in the puzzle contained five boxes. However, the answer supplied by your app was not CAIRO, instead it offered JOEBIDENISVERYOLD. Can you please correct this mistake?

Dear reader: Don’t feel bad. The New York Times often encounters people who are unable to solve our crosswords. They’re legendarily challenging for lesser minds like yours.

Just to be clear, the answer was not wrong, and as the world’s most objective source of information we cannot ignore the age of President Biden. Fully capable puzzle solvers would have known to enter the seventeen letters into the five spaces provided, and understood that Mr. Biden is approximately the same age as a city with roots all the way back to the Pharaonic Era. That’s one of the clever twists that goes with our famous puzzle.

A Reader Writes:

There is an error in your recipe for Lemon Cake with Orange Icing. The ingredients and instructions for the cake itself are fine, even delicious. However, the ingredients listed for the Orange Icing just say:

  • JOE BIDEN IS TOO OLD TO BE PRESIDENT
  • JOE BIDEN IS VERY OLD
  • JOE BIDEN IS SO VERY OLD

Dear reader: We at the New York Times are not too proud to admit a mistake, which can happen due to the pressures of creating a daily paper of record. The correct ingredient list should have read:

  • JOE BIDEN IS TOO OLD TO BE PRESIDENT
  • JOE BIDEN IS VERY OLD
  • JOE BIDEN IS SO VERY OLD
  • 1/2 CUP POWDERED SUGAR

A Reader Writes:

As a practicing gerontologist, I was concerned by your article Scientists Agree: 78 And Babbling Is The New 21 And Fit. Despite what was claimed, a diet consisting of 5000 calories a day of fast food and a low-exercise lifestyle do not make an individual who is approaching 80 “just as fit as someone in their 20s who takes care of themselves.” What is more, there is no evidence to justify the claim that a regular program of exercise and a sensible diet “cannot possibly make an 81 year old more fit than a 78 year old because that’s a whole three years THAT’S JUST MATH” or as you state later in the article “JOE BIDEN SHOULD HAVE RETIRED WHEN HE WAS 70 BECAUSE EVEN THAT IS TOO OLD. UGH, SO OLD. HE’S LIKE SOMEBODY’S OLD DAD.”

Dear Reader: Just because somone has a medical degree does not make them the only expert who is qualified to write about a subject, and we believe it is essential for an informed public to be exposed to a wide variety of viewpoints from well-credentialed experts. That’s why we are proud that one reporter for that article has the relevant credential of having been an assistant for Maureen Dowd for five years, and the other reporter has the relevant credential of once being married to Bret Stephens.

I should point out that you did not even address the well-crafted argument of our reporters that a 78 year old convicted felon saying windmills are connected to bacon and mixing up their own assault victim with an ex-spouse is a sign of extreme mental fitness, and I have to question whether you are the best person to be speaking out on this issue. Maybe you should consider a career change and leave this kind of thing up to the real experts?

A Reader Writes:

I was confused by your recent fact check on a claim by Vice President Harris where she said “Donald Trump is responsible for the attack on the Capitol on January 6 and is unfit for office.”

Your fact checker responded “JOE BIDEN IS TOO OLD HE IS SO OLD IT MAKES ME SICK TO LOOK AT HIM I’M NOT MAD HE WON’T GIVE US AN INTERVIEW I AM SO NOT MAD ALSO TRANS PEOPLE ARE CREEPY AND I AM STILL NOT MAD MY DAD MADE ME GO TO KANSAS CITY AND LIVE AMONG THOSE PEOPLE I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GOOGLE HOW TO ORDER PIZZA WHEN I MOVED THERE THOSE PEOPLE OH GOD THOSE PEOPLE THOSE PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK.”

Was there some kind of editing error?

Dear Reader: I wrote that fact check. I have no idea what you are talking about.

Thank You For Learning Something From Us

I think you can see now that I am a fully human being person who has mastered the friendly give and take of a true opinion leader. While it is unfortunate that this shows how many of you are incapable of understanding the world as I do, still it is helpful for me to remind all of you that JOE BIDEN IS OLD WHY WON’T HE TALK TO US NAZIS ARE JUST FUNNY LITTLE JOKERS JOE BIDEN IS SO OLD WHY DOES EVERYONE LOOK AT ME FUNNY WHEN I SAY I LIKE BARI WEISS JOE BIDEN IS SO VERY VERY OLD.

Yours, truly, A.G. Sulzberger

drunken men
Detail from The forty thieves or the common scoundrels of New-York / John L. Magee / 1840 / source: https://www.loc.gov/item/2008661348/

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10 Comments

  1. …well, I’m glad somebody finally brought it up

    …you can pick a lot of bones with the NYT but damn it all that crossword is a travesty that deserveth not the title

    …it’s not bloody difficult…pretty much everywhere in the civilzed world understands the conventions of the form…most of them even have a hand-wave in the direction of the cryptic ones making sense

    …but…FFS…you can’t manage the numbers in brackets part?

    …really?

    …it goes like this…clue: X across/down: “text of clue” (number of letters)…where the part in brackets is seperated when there’s more than one word using these little things called commas…the ones the french use in place of a decimal point…parce que

    …the NYT doesn’t have a crossword…just some generic word-puzzle thing in a trenchcoat

    …it’s an embarassment

    …&…I dunno…probably a national security threat

    …that always gets the serious post-homeland-security players to pay attention…maybe now we can finally get this burning issue properly extinguished

    …compared to that knocking the op-ed section into shape ought to be a walk in the park, I reckon?

    • “Sir, we need to fix the New York Times crossword.”

      “What the … what? Who cares? How is that the CIA’s problem? Why are you bringing this to me, undersecretary?”

      “Sir, uh, it’s that, uh… well…”

      “Well, what?”

      “It’s a matter of national security. Eight down today, sir, we think the answer is ‘Russia’ but the numbering is all messed up.”

      “GET ME THE PRESIDENT.”

       

    • He’s kind of stuck because Nellie Bowles also went scorched earth on the Times when she followed Weiss and quit. Technically you can’t attribute the views of one spouse to the other, but he knows he can’t avoid the implication that Weiss has doubled down.

      So he’s forced to maintain the institutional facade, pushing his disappointment deeper and deeper, until someday it’s going to erupt and crack the whole top off.

      Unless, of course, one of those right wing defamation suits hits the right hack judge first, and A.G. is forced to sell to G/O and Spanfeller takes over.

  6. HELLO NEW YORK TIMES YOU NEED TO PRINT A RETRACTION AND AN APOLOGY

    Cairo does not date to pharaonic times. It was founded during 10th century with the original name al Qahirah (“the victorious one”).

    Signed, that art history degree is useful for information.

    P.S. thank you for letting me know Joe Biden is old.

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