This is the first year in half a dozen that I will be at best uncertain about the presence of an article that describes what objects got stuck in peoples’ various bodily orifices this year. Why? Well, if you’re here, you know why. An herb, and his “stick to sports” shit. A mandate that murdered our favorite website, and also showed us the quality of the people that had been manning it the whole time. I will be forever impressed by the principles our former crew had. It’s a damn shame that they’re dispersed, and that Drew no longer does this very article. I’ll always wonder if he’d approve of the job I’m doing.
(Update: It happened, yay! https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/v74mgb/what-did-we-get-stuck-in-our-rectums-last-year)
Either way, 2019 sucks. It’s the goddamn worst year in modern memory, and I swear it went on for twenty years. We are near to leaving it with the President literally tilting at windmills, for God’s sake. Don Quixote has been quoted as saying “Stop stealing my shtick, asshole.”
I’m not gonna sit here and write some damn year in review. You all know what happened this year, and it was just a big load of flaming ass. 2020 can’t be worse…can it? Maybe if you’re a Lions fan like me, or a Bengals fan. Well, as long as Biff is in office, it sure can get worse for anyone who has three functioning brain cells. And we get to vote! Oh joy! We get to have our “say” in our “democracy” that totally “isn’t rigged.” Yeah, it can’t go badly at all.
As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, fuck that!
The Games (It’s the final week of the regular season! Time for a bunch of teams to get put out of their miseries!)
49ers @ Seahawks: The only game that really means anything! Apparently Beast Mode is near to returning, and if he’s truly healthy, and not completely over the hill, then his fresh legs will make the playoffs much more interesting.
Titans @ Texans: OK this one means something too, for the Titans. Win and you’re in. Houston has nothing going on in this game, so it’s a late Xmas present for the Titans if they don’t fuck it up.
Steelers @ Ravens: This would be five or four, but Lamar’s gonna sit. And why shouldn’t he? With everything locked up, there’s no reason to put him out there other than hubris. Jon Harbaugh has a Super Bowl win, as we know, and he’s shown he’s not a complete loon. So Lamar sits.
Bears @ Vikings
Jets @ Bills
Chargers @ Chiefs
Dolphins @ Patriots
Saints @ Panthers
Packers @ Lions: I was tempted to give this one a higher mark, but the Pack doesn’t have much going on right now. The Lions are likely to excuse themselves at halftime to get their asses eaten in the parking lot, assuming anyone wants them. (SPOILER: Nobody does)
Colts @ Jaguars
Raiders @ Broncos
Eagles @ Giants
Falcons @ Bucs
Browns @ Bengals: Browns fans, you should probably root for Cincinnati. If ownership is hedging on maybe keeping Freddie “Can’t take the heat so get out of the” Kitchens, a loss here ought to bring about his immediate exile. Keep your eyes open for a body swaying in the breeze at Browns HQ come Monday.
Cardinals @ Rams
Racists @ Cowboys
Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
Kevin McCarthy. All Repubs are sycophants for the orange maniac in charge, but this guy and William Barr need to get a room.
Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Browns -3
I love Baker Mayfield’s intensity. That boy has got some serious guts! Him and Beckham are gonna be so good next year!
2019 Magic Record: 8-6-1
Fire this Asshole!
- Jay Gruden—DEAD!
- Ron Rivera—DEAD!
- Jason Garrett ******
- Dan Quinn **
- Doug Marrone
- Pat Shurmur
- Adam Gase ***
- Freddie Kitchens ***
- Zac Taylor
- Anthony Lynn
- Vic Fangio
- Bill Belichick (uh-oh!)
(*How does this guy still have a fucking job)
Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!
Worried about making sure Santa gets down your chimney? Just climb on up there and dump a big ol’ thing of flavored lube down there! It’ll grease the place up, and when you have a fire you get that pleasant smell!
Sunday Afternoon movie for Bengals fans: The Shawshank Redemption, TNT
Shawshank. I don’t know, is there a better way to kill a lazy Sunday afternoon than the movie that is either considered the best ever made, or right up there? You tell me.
Gratuitous Futurama Quote:
I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. Fry, that doesn’t make sense.
Enjoy the games, everybody.