As you may have heard, our former big wet president owes a few million dollars to the unfair, very unfair state of New York. He asked politely if he could get away with only putting up $100 million in a bond, which the state laughed out of court. Here at DeadSplinter, we are nothing if not supportive of people in a financial bind, so a few helpful suggestions at what he can do to get that money lined up. Good luck, sir!
1. Lay off the avocado toast.
2. Move back in with his parents.
3. See if he can get on the SAVE program for his student loans. (Thanks, Biden!)
4. Get a second job.
5. Make his own methamphetamine coffee.
6. Pay down his credit card bills and track his expenses better.
7. No more new kids (or wives) for at least a few years.
8. No more Ubers.
9. No more DoorDashing McDonald’s.
10. Stick with his older iPhone. It works fine!
11. Go back to the free version of Spotify
12. Cut the cable cord.
13. Less time campaigning, more time budgeting.
14. Make his own pseudoephedrine vanilla lattes instead of Starbucks.
15. Stop eating out altogether.
16. Cut back on porn star payouts.
17. Get a third job, sleep is overrated.
18. Tell Barron he can’t have a PS5 this year.
19. Cut back on the spray tan.
20. No more financial crimes until he can afford them.
21. Less time on the golf course, more time with his financial advisor.
22. Cancel his Fox Nation subscription.
23. Melania will have to wear the “I don’t care, do u” coat a few more times before she can get a new one.
24. Switch from 14K gold leaf to 12K gold leaf in Trump Tower’s bathrooms.
25. Cut the wig budget.
26. Get hit by a bus. Repeatedly.
27. Time to start an OnlyFans!
Sadly, there will be billionaires lining up to put up Trump’s fines.
The question is why didn’t they already do that?
If one of them screws up and only writes eight figures on the check instead of nine, or puts 2023 in the date, he won’t have time to get a new one.
…excuse me while I chug that list
…you know what…I actually do feel better?
28 Cut Dumbdumb and Ewic’s allowance (coke and meth.)
Yes, it would save money but it’s a lot of extra headache and time you have to spend dealing with them. Not sure that’s a benefit!
Absolute gold – perfection – I feel better, thank you.
He could sell shoes that are Trump branded and … no. That’s too far-fetched. Nobody would believe it.
Yeah, I try to keep these semi-realistic, y’know?
Duh sell some more state secrets to Saudi Arabia and Russia.
So I thought about that but I have to assume he’s already given them the good stuff.
I’m sure the KGB was able to get an agent into Trump’s bathroom at Mar-a-Lago to copy anything useful. Hell, Trump probably comped the agent’s room and meals.
“…comped the agent’s room and meals.” – that made me snicker!
I rewatched the Dark Knight and remembered Bryansplinter’s post on Batman.
You know I realized there is another reason why Batman is so unrealistic?
He’s the only Billionaire who fights crime, not causes it (unlike “billionaire” Trump for example or the Harlan Crowes of the world who corrupted the US’ highest court.)
Become a Trump impersonator.
Holy fuck that one is magic.
This is a great idea, and now that you say it: I’m fucking *SHOCKED* he isn’t on Cameo charging some absurd amount for 30 seconds of his schtick.
He would make a fucking killing on Cameo.
Thank you very much. I needed a good laugh going into day 3 on site with nothing but aggravation to show for it.
8. No more Ubers.
9. No more DoorDashing McDonald’s.
Do we know if he can drive??
Even makes the vroom vroom sound.
I didn’t want to pigeon-hole him into a specific job as I, uh, don’t know exactly, erm, what his, ahhh, skill set might, uhhhhhh, be. Exactly.
OnlyFrauds