Things I’d Rather Have Done Than Watch Trump’s Speech, Ranked

Honey badgers, aliens and Kevin Federline over Trump

1. Say on social media that the “AR” in AR-15 stands for assault rifle.

2. Give a cat a bath.

3. Listen to a few hours of country music.

4. Have a debate about “cancel culture” online.

5. Play the “E.T.” game on Atari.

6. Stub my toe.

7. Clean up a potty training child’s “accident.”

8. Argue about why “Blue Lives Matter” is a racist statement.

9. Bang my head getting into a car.

10. Listen to a terrible jam band struggle through a 30-minute song.

11. Stare at the ceiling while being completely awake at 2 a.m.

12. Watch some episodes of “Teen Mom”

13. Give a honey badger a bath.

14. Throw on some light opera.

15. Clean the bathroom from top to bottom.

16. Read every article on Nu Deadspin.

17. Legally change my name to “Antifa Q. Black” and start applying for jobs.

18. Watch every single episode of “Barney and Friends.”

19. Become a Mets fan.

20. Give a great white shark a bath.

21. Fall down a flight of stairs. 

22. Say out loud, in the year of our lord 2020, “I need Joe Biden to win this election.”

23. Travel to North Korea to seek asylum.

24. Get coronavirus (or worse) by licking subway turnstiles in New York City.

25. Join an anti-vax/Q Facebook group to argue about polio and pedophilia.

26. Self-administer eye surgery, sans anesthetic.

27. Listen to Keven Federline’s album “Playing With Fire.”

28. Be abducted and anally probed by alien life forms while I plead to be taken with them. 

29. Throw myself in a woodchipper head-first.

30. Get hit by a bus.

31. Watch the post-speech media coverage and realize with growing horror that it’s SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE ACTUAL SPEECH.

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About Clever Name Here dba "Black Rod" 108 Articles
Vell, Clever Name Here just zis guy, you know? Sometimes funny. Often annoyed. Once I saw a blimp.

31 Comments

  1. I was copy pasting to quote my favorites but turns out these are all amazing. Special recognition to this one though: 

    17. Legally change my name to “Antifa Q. Black” and start applying for jobs.

  2. The media DESPERATELY wants this to be an actual race, for alot of reasons, the most important of which being that no one wants to watch a blowout.
     
    Still, I saw a lot more “Christ that was fucking boring, what was even the point” post coverage then I’d ever thought there would be.

    • The last item on this list nailed it. They really, really want there to be something they can see as a reason to turn this into a horse race.
       
      Even if it becomes competitive, it is not going to work as a horse race. Trump is never going to be interesting and they have to stop thinking in those terms — his appeal to his base is all about reaffirming how tedious he is to everyone, including his followers.

  3. …on balance I might prefer to fall down some stairs than to give a great white shark a bath

    …& I’d maybe take my chances with the bus sooner than the woodchipper

    …but essentially those are hard to argue with

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