ICYMI: Tucker has been removed from Fox News, and pretty suddenly as it turns out! https://www.washingtonpost.com/media/2023/04/24/tucker-carlson-leaves-fox-news/
1. Vladimir Putin’s personal valet.
2. Vladimir Putin’s personal “valet” (wink)
3. Finally record that hip-hop album he’s always wanted to make.
4. Be forced as part of settlement to join Dominion Voting Systems as new SVP of Communications.
5. Do PR for Covid.
6. Join CNN to decry the “far-right Republicans ruining our nation” at Fox News.
7. Do PR for botulism.
8. Retire to a life of leisure and yelling at people about “the trans threat” on street corners.
9. Become a massive Tik Tok star for his ruddy-cheeked shock-and-confusion look.
10. Join Newsmax to decry the “woke politics” of Fox News.
11. Catch up on all the seasons of “Real Housewives” he’s missed in recent years.
12. Open an anti-woke restaurant that only serves the right wing of chickens.
13. Spend more time sexually harassing his family.
14. Join Russia Today to decry the “brutal capitalist overlords and their running dog lackeys ruining America” at Fox News.
15. Do PR for cancer.
16. Finally devote the time he wanted to spend getting to the bottom of the whole Hunter Biden laptop story.
17. Write his memoirs, titled “Huh? The Tucker Carlson Story”
18. Work on the perfect comeback for what Jon Stewart said about him on “Crossfire” back in 2004.
19. Beat Candy Crush Saga, with 3 stars on every level.
20. Do PR for flesh-eating bacteria.
21. Catch up on “Days Of Our Lives” (Bo’s back, baby!)
22. See if he can come up with a second conservative joke now that “I identify as…” has been played out.
23. Become a painter and grandfather and hope everyone forgets what a terrible person he is because of it.
24. Call up every centrist pundit and help them with their “Tucker Carlson’s departure from Fox News hurts Democrats because … “
25. Get hit by a bus.
26. “President Tucker Carlson was sworn on at noon on Jan. 20, presiding over a new era after a campaign that saw him compare his opponent to a child molester and … “
27. Open up a hair salon chain for men who want that style popular with frat boys in 2007.
28. CNN fired Don Lemon today. They could form a shitty alcohol brand called Tucker Lemons.
In keeping with the family fortune, he’ll get sliced into 2 ounce bits, battered, deep fried, then flash frozen.
CNN dumped Don Lemon after 17 years of poisonous behavior. Maybe your bit about joining CNN isn’t so far off. If Fox found out he was having back channel talks with his old network (Carlson is notorious for back channel talks, for what it’s worth) that may have been enough to get the Murdochs to cut him off. But who knows.
I’m calling 20-1 odds right now that Don Lemon is Tucker’s replacement at Fox lol
“he’s gay and black! See we’re not racist homophobes!”
Well considering CNN’s lurch to the right I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he gets a show there.
That Chris Licht! He’s a genius, I tell you, a genius!
Yessss what a perfect post to commemorate our collective Schadenfreude!
#21 killed me 😂
I’m not a fan but I heard he is back so I’m going with it 🙂
I, personally, will make it my mission to get him hooked on Downton Abbey. Obsessive rewatching of all the episodes, endless speculation and theorizing about the two movies, all the fan fiction, all the fan sites, all the episode recaps pulled from various online archives.
Then I will move him right along to the little-seen Belgravia (only six episodes, with a second season of eight episodes promised for the end of the year) which is or is not a Downton prequel, he can discuss this online, and similarly fill his mind with compare-and-contrast theses regarding The Gilded Age. Just when he thinks he can take it no more, he will “do his own research” and obsessively watch Upstairs, Downstairs, and with the careful analysis of a Talmudic scholar he will review the episodes line-by-line, throwaway plotline by throwaway plotline, and decide for himself how much of U/D Julian Fellowes ripped off for Downton. If I am successful, we will never hear from him again.
I didn’t know how much “Tucker Carlson watching ‘Upstairs Downstairs’ “ would amuse me but now I want this to happen very badly.
If I remember right, didn’t Brideshead Revisted have the family marry off the daughter to some cloddish rich American or Canadian in order to save the family estate? That would be Tucker for sure.
The Brideshead plot is a little convoluted, to say the least, but I will point out that Phoebe Nicholls, who played the younger daughter Cordelia in the Granada TV series, did a ton of TV and film work and eventually showed up, where, on my own beloved Downton Abbey as Cousin Shrimpie’s shrewish wife Susan and was on the receiving end of the immortal line, “Get down, you cat!”
How about fill the void left in Guyana post Jim Jones?
OMFG I just saw a theory that he will run as Trump’s VP. I’m glad I was able to enjoy his firing for an hour before that anxiety spiking theory.
I’ll give you worst nightmares, I think he is more likely to run for president than be second fiddle to somebody as stupid as Trump. Let’s hope he just finds another network that revives Crossfire with him and Don Lemon.
That would be a more entertaining fanboy fight than Trump vs DeSantis
Yeah, I don’t see him running as a second fiddle at all. He would go for the top spot. Plus I have it on good authority that he hates Trump. His run would be unsuccessful, but sure, why not? I mean, at this point every Republican campaign is a grift. Pucker needs a slice of that pie now.
My God, the anti-Pucker campaign ads would be fierce. Can you imagine montages of all the stupid shit he’s said for years now?
You know this is a pattern with every single flagship star at Fox. Every single one of them gets shitcanned after a massive scandal of the network’s own making.
Nice. I came home to some good news.
Hopefully he’s onboard the next SpaceX launch…
Ben Smith reports it’s connected to this Abby Grossberg sex discrimination suit, which is why Carlson’s producer is gone too.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/04/24/business/media/tucker-carlson-abby-grossberg-lawsuit.html
I have to wonder if there’s more in addition.
#13 <wink>
I actually wondered if it was an undisclosed term of the Dominion settlement. Though why him specifically I’m not sure, except he was Fox’s biggest draw. Or perhaps Fox is starting with the biggest one and will work their way through the others.
Anyway, I don’t believe the Dominion settlement and the timing of this are coincidental. The sex discrimination suit may have just spurred Fox to move faster to make it go away.
It’s about the whistleblower producer that has recordings of Tucker & is cooperating with a bunch of other lawsuits. Fox is trying to get in front of all the lawsuits and investigations coming.
I find it … at least hard to believe that Fox would include that in a settlement unless they wanted him gone. But they were also running promos for his shows as of this morning before the news broke. Whatever this was, it was pretty clearly not pre-planned!
Yeah, I wasn’t clear. I initially thought it might be a term of the settlement, but that doesn’t make sense. It’s far more likely that a Murdoch just said, fuck it, this dude has now become a serious liability and we need to cut him loose.
#12.
In lieu of that, please dear Lord, let him get HIT BY A BIG FUCKING BUS.
#30 Go Fuck himself with a chainsaw.