Well, you’ve come to the right place. The buck stops here. And for those of you wondering whether I would step up to the plate, let me be clear: LOOK! WE HAVE PUZZLES!

That’s right! We have a crossword! I know you people like putting letters in things. Where else are you going to go for that?

You like that Worgle thing with the letters you guess, right? Well this publication bought Worgle and now it’s here! That’s leadership!

Now, I know a lot of people working here complained about how dysfunction at the highest levels of this publication led to a cryptofascist being given free rein to publish a call for a military takeover of cities. Sure, our employees would have been targets of that — but did you know we have acrostics too?

And then there was the issue of massive dysfunction involving assignments of important writing to people with little expertise, ad hoc rewriting at the last second, and an uncontrolled scrum of emails flying all around that led to embarassing revelations in a high profile defamation case. Well, it takes a leader to stand up now and say — you can do our crosswords the old fashioned way with a pencil, or on our web-site!

Bold Leaders Take Bold Action

When things got too hot with the old top opinion editor, we decided to turn things completely upside down by hiring his next in command! Nothing says bold leadership like the least possible reach down the chain of command!

And then we installed as second in command a former Broadway reporter who somehow missed the fact that the most powerful producer on Broadway was an out of control maniac despite everyone knowing it! And then we fixed all of our problems by changing the name of “Op-Eds” to “Guest Essays.” That’s totally different letters! You crossword fans will appreciate that.

Sure, some people complain that our only writer dedicated to free speech issues ignores right wing laws assaulting free speech in multiple states to write a front page article about a $60,000 a year private school in Manhattan with 750 students. But come on — if five percent of the parents of those kids do our crossword puzzle, that’s 75 crossword puzzle filler-outers we need to be thinking of!

And sure, some people point out that the dysfunction has supposedly been afflicting this paper since the days of the Iraq War, with reporters running around damaging our reputation due to their ridiculously close relationship to my father. Some people even wonder why I was elevated to the top spot here in my 30s with a ridiculously thin resume.

OK, Here’s a Problem I’ve Looked Into

The answer, of course, is there is big glaring problem at this paper, which I fully admit — we don’t have a puzzle on our front page! That’s on me. I’ve tried to fit one in, but the layout people tell me it’s a problem for the printer. Oh well.

Anyway, a few of our writers admitted they were wrong about something. And now we’ll go back to things like telling liberals they’re wrong about patriotism one day before a liberal town gathering for a flag-bedecked July Fourth parade was brutally attacked by a right wing freak. Sure, we’ve run that exact same bit over and over again these past few years, but it’s not a cliche if we say it’s not. We’ll keep telling liberals they’re wrong and completely ignoring when Trump uses virulent antisemitic language to attack us — that’s my promise. Oh, and crosswords.

And if I can ever think of anything I’ve done wrong, I promise you I will look you in the eye and say these words: “Hey, did you know we also have an online archive of our recipes? We offer more than just Worgle!”

AG Ulcerberger is definitely not the Publisher of a major newspaper who got there thanks to pure nepotism. It’s just a coincidence that he took over from his dad despite being a reporter for like three weeks. He’s talked to about seven real Americans! He once ate processed cheese, unlike those freaks at the Union Square Greenmarket who get there early and buy up all of the herbed goat cheese and then lord it over hard working publishers. Who’s going to get the last laugh when their kids are applying to the Ivys? He will, at least, if that damned affirmative action doesn’t take over. He’s working on it. He’ll run at least 50 pieces attacking it by the time his youngest applies. Anyway, Ulcerberger can best be described as a parody of an effective leader dealing with the crises facing the world.