By Russ Doubthat
In retrospect, it’s become clearer that Donald Trump just might have done something wrong. My sources, who are totally unbiased, suggest mistakes may have been made, but they are totally innocent and were in a completely different room at the time and definitely should not be required to testify. YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING.
To be sure, there was no possible way to see any of this until now. When a wise person who was totally not me assured everyone “There Will Be No Trump Coup” the only way to see everything Trump had been saying for years was that he was “not a budding autocrat.” THE ONLY POSSIBLE WAY!
What could be worse than mistakes being made? A divided America, of course. And the only way to stop that is for Biden to fulfill his campaign promise to unite America and pardon Trump now, order Congress to shut down the January 6 hearings, stop the state investigations of Trump, and block judges from releasing any court documents that would totally not incriminate any of my sources, who spoke up sternly about how bad things that definitely should not be called a coup are, without actually having any knowledge that would make them legally liable.
Clearly the only thing that has blocked America from uniting is Biden’s unwillingness to do the things Republicans tell him to do, like intentionally quitting the election and letting Trump win a second term uncontested.
Without bold action like stopping possible action in the judiciary and Congress by pardoning Trump and intervening to block hearings, Biden will fail to respect the limits and boundaries of the executive branch. And that will be the utmost hypocrisy.
The Looming Threat to Free Speech
And don’t forget how much this failure would threaten the First Amendment. Nothing says good and honest journalism more than the work done by me and my colleagues at this paper — taking the words and framework straight from our totally unconflicted sources granted complete anonymity and running it on our front page.
If hearings and trials are allowed to continue, our audience might expect reporting based on open statements under oath and extensive presentation of evidence that follows months of painstaking research. If that becomes the standard, we can say goodbye to articles on Hillary Clinton’s laugh by a guy who is totally not my editor. He said he won’t be calling it a “cackle” again. WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT? CRITICIZING IT IS CENSORSHIP!
In closing, it’s obvious from the only seven people I listen to that Trump will have learned his lesson from this incident, and there is no better way to get him to tell the truth is to grant him a full and immediate pardon for any possible crime at every level. And from civil suits too. Never mind the technicalities, grant first and worry about what the Supreme Court will decide later. They’re creative thinkers.
But to be sure we heal America, better grant full pardons to people who are totally not my sources too, like Bill Barr, Mark Meadows, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Erik Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Alex Jones, John Eastman, Ginni Thomas, Clarence Thomas, Rudy Giuliani, Tommy Tuberville, Jeffrey Clark….
Sorry, I got a cramp for a second typing all of those names. Let me just say there are a lot of people who bear no liability whatsoever but should get pardons in the name of fulfilling a campaign promise which was basically the same as a legal contract. How else can we hope to heal America unless liberals accept that they are responsible for this thing that was possibly regrettable but completely understandable and definitely not a crime. Oh, and hey, look over there, someone’s making fun of a standup comedian! SLIPPERY SLOPE!
Russ Doubthat is definitely not a billiant intellect who writes for a highly respected paper which never deserves any criticism by some people who probably listen to a folk singer like Toni Amos on their Bluetooth gizmo while cutting ahead of a patient editor at the Union Square Greenmarket for the last chioggia beets. OK, the beet incident happened two years ago but it still burns that editor up. Regular beets just don’t have the same visual impact. That’s the kind of breakdown of the social fabric that probably makes the editor’s son more interested in video game gizmos than rewriting his essay for Dartmouth more than twice. Anyway, Doubthat can best be described as a parody of a serious thinker.