Not even a worldwide pandemic could stop NFL free agency from opening, and upon it’s arrival, the Houston Texans went and did something that should restore your faith in humanity. Because even in the midst of the world seeming to end, the Texans managed to fuck up in that most human of ways, that showcases just how thoroughly enjoyable it is to watch allegedly smart people bumble their way into asinine and mind-boggling decisions.
The Texans head coach and general manager (I mean for fuck’s sake…) Bill O’Brien has seen fit to send DeAndre Hopkins, who is only *checks notes* probably one of the top five wideouts in the NFL to the Arizona Cardinals, for a fourth round pick and running back David Johnson. (You may remember Johnson as the guy who put your fantasy team on his back in 2018 and then proceeded to completely fuck you after you took him with a high pick in 2019.) The Texans already traded what looks like it will be a 2020 third round pick for Duke Johnson, signed Carlos Hyde off the garbage heap, and have Lamar Miller coming off IR, but sure, trade more picks for a running back who had *check notes* 345 rushing yards last year.
Granted, Johnson was a bit miscast in Kliff Kingberry’s “Rex Grossman Presents: FUCK IT, WE’RE GOIN’ DEEP” stop offsense, but still; for all intents and purposes, running backs are a dime a dozen commidity in the modern NFL. Meanwhile, wide receivers such as Hopkins are decidedly not; Hopkins has been a Pro Bowler and a First-Team All Pro for the past 3 years. In that span he’s scored a staggering 31 fucking touchdowns. He’s got insane chemistry with Texans quarterback DeShaun Watson, and is the only Texans wide receiver who is not constantly fucking injured.
Christ on bike, this isn’t even about fucking cap space; even with Hopkins’ $16.5 million dollar salary, under the new CBA, the Texans rolled into 2020 with a cool $46.5 million in cap room. Trading Hopkins for what amounts to a $3 million savings is so fucking absurd it defies reason. Literally the only reason this could happen is because maybe Hopkins was upset about his contract. But even that seems fuckin’ dubious. It’s not like Hopkins was holding out.
Bill O’Brien has now traded away Jadaveon Clowney and DeAndre Hopkins in consecutive fucking seasons, y’all, with the only alleged factor around these two boneheaded trades being money, which the Texans had plenty of then and plenty of now. This is another example of O’Brien perverting “the Patriots Way” of doing business into a gross act of ineptitude.
The entire reason why “the Patriots Way” of negotiating with their own players works, is because their own players are willing to take less now because they’re willing to win championships later. That’s the whole reason Tom Brady is only just now becoming a fucking free agent. Sure, the Patriots have made odd trades, but they typically had a plan of some sort waiting in the wings; a switch to a different defense, a different offensive philosophy, young players who were waiting in the wings to step up. And in spite of that, how many times have we seen Patriots players leave in a trade or in free agency, only to wind up back in New England at a more advantageous time?
The reason the Patriots Way works for Bill Belichick is because every move he makes, even the slightly odd ones, are in an effort to win. You win some, you lose some, but you never stop striving to win. That’s all Bill gives a shit about. That’s why he’s the most successful fucking coach in the history of the NFL and potentially in all modern sports; while Belichick certainly has an ego, he’s willing to check that shit at the fucking door in pursuit of winning. Bill Belichick didn’t trade Randy Moss away until Moss was at the fucking edge of washedness, and Moss is a dick. One of the greatest receivers of all time, but a dick nevertheless.
Bill O’Brien gave up literal, actual draft picks for Duke fuckin’ Johnson, traded an absurd amount for Laremy Tunsil without securing him to a fucking contract, traded Jadeveon Clowney for a bag of JAGS, and now traded one of the best receivers in football for a motherfucking 28 year old running back who was so ineffective in a pass driven offense that the Cardinals traded for Kenyon Drake and he literally doubled Johnson’s rushing output.
Kyler Murray is now gonna have DeAndre Hopkins, Larry Fitzgerald, and Christian Kirk to throw to, and DeShaun Watson has to hope Will Fuller and Kenny Stills are able to stay healthy for more than 30 seconds to make up for it.
The world (at least for fans of sports) needed a fucking laugh today, and the Texans provided it in fucking buckets.
The funniest part of how bad a move this was is that it was made at a time in which NO ONE in the sports media world has anything to talk about. And they are likely so sick of discussing the sports leagues shutting down that this move is THE ONLY sports news right now. The bat signal is up and Bill will never live it down.
Stephen A and the Screaming Debate Show Industry are so fucking happy about this fucking news.
I swear if they don’t plug that hole in O’Brien’s chin what’s left of his mind might leak out and he’d try to play single wing or some shit.
Either that or DeShaun Watson went to his house and pissed in his cornflakes one morning.
I almost feel bad for Tejas. Two crazed GMs running their teams…
This is the best news right now. Texas needs to take one for the team….