Hi, I’m Nic Christareyoukiddingoff. I have a reputation for being a very, very, very, very, very, very serious person who is very, very, very, very, very sincere and not at all patronizing when I tell other people they’re moral failures.
I spent decades at a New York City newspaper telling people what they were doing wrong. And boy, were they doing a lot of it. I knew a lot of things for certain! And now, after a brief break, I’m back!
Well, OK, who here hasn’t changed their mind at least once? I knew a guy in 11th grade who ordered a slice of pepperoni pizza and decided he wanted sausage after just four bites.
Then there’s me, who quit my job at a New York City newspaper because I had decided the state of Oregon desperately needed a guy with zero experience and no platform to parachute in to save them, and completely flamed out.
And then I decided Oregon was a garbage place and now I’m going right back to the newspaper in New York City to write the exact same stuff and pretend none of this ever happened.
Pepperoni pizza, completely flaking out on a run for governor. You say potayto, I say pohtato!
OK, so I mocked lesser humans by saying “We largely know how to improve well-being at home and abroad. What we lack is the political will” and then I showed a complete lack of political will by turning my back on my new home state at the first obstacle and refused to engage in the least amount of grassroots organizing or building of local networks.
Sure I spent my time raising money from Melinda Gates and Larry Summers instead of bothering to even find out from ordinary people if they even wanted me in the state in the first place. Who knew ordinary people in a state 3000 miles away couldn’t give a rat’s asterisk who I am? Not me! And who knew it might be controversial that I had a record bashing public schools without evidence to back it up, championing sweatshops, and opposing an investigation into Trump before it had even begun. Also not me!
There’s a Good Reason Why I’m Quitting So Soon
Sure I wrote right before I quit and moved to Oregon “I hope to convince some of you that public service in government can be a path to show responsibility for communities we love” but listen to me a second. What if it turns out 10 months later we don’t really love these communities and really just want to get the hell out? Isn’t it the responsible thing to run back 3000 miles and pretend this was all a big joke? If you don’t love a place, just turn your back on it! That’s the real lesson here.
Hey, before I turned tail and convinced my old employers to take me back, I ran a boutique vineyard. But money wasn’t really rolling in, and more importantly, those people who convinced me I was just the thing Oregon needed somehow couldn’t make it to hang out with me at my vineyard. They said I was great before, but suddenly they weren’t picking up my phone calls. Weird.
But I’m not in this for fawning adulation. Did I mention I won a Pulitzer? Not that it matters. It’s just a coincidence that I gave up on the vineyard gig too and moved 3000 miles away. Nothing to do with having shorter flights for those speeches I give for $100,000 each.
It Says GREAT Things About My Newspaper That They Still Had My Old Job Open
Some people it says something awful about my newspaper that they ended up taking me back. That they had ten months to fill my job and somehow couldn’t find anybody as bland as me. That my writing was so useless that it was the same as having nothing for ten months.
Did I mention I won a Pultizer? Not that it matters.
Anyway, I want to thank my former and new publisher A.G. Ulcerberger and colleagues like Russ Doubthat for welcoming me back. Russ just wrote pieces saying he just discovered there are all kinds of people who live somewhere besides New York City out here in Boringsville, but things are already getting hazy here. Where am I? Why are there so many moving boxes around me? Ore.. Oreg.. Oregon? Is that right? Why would anyone be here?
Nic Christareyoukiddingoff is definitely not a serious columnist who totally imagined anyone wanted him to be the next governor of Oregon after being coddled in this idea by consultants. He cares deeply about real people, unlike those jerks at the Union Square Greenmarket who somehow don’t get scowled at just for standing in the middle of the aisle on a busy morning thinking about whether it’s a good day for heirloom tomatoes. It’s a tough decision! What’s so bad about standing in the middle of the aisle? Anyway, Christareyoukiddingoff can best be described as a parody of someone willing to work hard to make the world a better place instead of promoting his personal brand.