Who the Fuck Decided to Let Jared Kushner Talk?

White House Senior Advisor Jared Kushner attends the meeting between US President Donald Trump and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, DC on April 28, 2020. (Photo by MANDEL NGAN / AFP) (Photo by MANDEL NGAN/AFP via Getty Images)

If someone could explain to me why Jared Kushner is in front of cameras opening his gob, I’d really appreciate it.

Papaya Pol Pot’s son-in-law Jared “My Wife Definitely Married Me Because I Remind Her of Her Dad and That’s Not Creepy At All” Kushner is already far too involved in the day-to-day runnings of the White House. Most recently, Jared Kushner managed to usurp Vice President Mike Pence’s throne atop Shit Gets Kicked Downhill Mountain. I can only assume this happened because Pence, who’s playing dumb for a President who has the fragile ego of a teenage boy, made a pilot suggestion to maybe take the coronavirus seriously.

Like, what good reason is there for Jared Kushner to be put in charge of anything? Maybe Trump identifies with a con artist failson who wants to have sex with Ivanka Trump?

…Yeah, that’s probably it. Allegedly.

But regardless, letting Kushner speak in front of real-life, actual microphones is a stupendously bad idea. Unlike Trump, who has something that can pass for charm and charisma if you ignore all the insanely horrible shit about him, Kushner’s best role is as a quiet, dower fuckboi who manipulates shit from behind the scenes. Thrusting him in front of the cameras and making him actually defend his father-in-law’s bullshit, without the “aw shucks, I’m just a simple man fron Simpleville US” act Mike Pence can perform, is a recipe for disaster.

So, with that preface out of way and the fact that Jared Kushner should not be trusted to speak in front of actual humans or even any mirrors thoroughly proven, Kid Prairie Dog decided to poke his head out of his hole to talk about who his pseudo-Dad’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic has been “a great success”, and promptly gotten beaten into oblivion. Kushner, who is only the hippest of happening cats, claimed on Wednesday that “we have all the testing we need” to “get the country rockin’ again”.

Jared Kushner is all the wrong in the universe, matched only by his father-in-law’s wrongness, which is like a black hole of wrong, sucking all of us into oblivion with him.

Kushner was speaking in his role as leader of what the Guardian referred to as a “shadow coronavirus task force“. Like many failing white sons with bought-and-paid-for business degrees, Kusher has said he wants to bring an entrepreneurial approach to a public health crisis that has claimed the lives of 61,000 Americans and counting. Kushner’s visionary approach to solving this crisis has been *checks notes* drive thru testing centers…which kinda isn’t really his idea. Truly it takes entrepreneurial spirit to copy someone else’s ideas and pass them off to your wife’s Dad as your own.

Kushner has also been one of the only people in the GOP who keeps insisting Trump show up on TV to make an ass out of himself. The other person is White House adviser and definitely not Trump’s wife-in-waiting Hope Hicks, who has zero experience as a manager, communicators director, or scheduler, but somehow ended up doing all three jobs.

At any rate, perhaps the only reason Trump actually let Kushner speak on TV was because it was the only thing that could maybe turn the page on his dumbass “inject yourself with disinfectant” bullshit. Whatever Trump’s motivations, Kushner proved himself unworthy of being in front of actual human beings attempting to speak English.

Just go back in your corner in the White House and talk with your friends about how cool it would be if you ran shit. Know your role and shut your mouth, Jared.

About KC Complains A Lot 135 Articles
KC Complains A Lot is another refugee from Deadspin. He enjoys writing and not caving to pressure from herbs.


    • That’s like a textbook illustration of the uncanny valley. I can’t stop comparing it. It’s got to be plastic surgery, but why? Original Jared looks a lot like Justin Trudeau, and that dude’s got plenty of admirers. Why would you have your dimples removed? Botox overdose? It’s like he’s turning into a reptile. Dude is 39, and he felt the need to change his appearance?

      Damn, that is seriously creepy. I thought snake-man had ALWAYS looked like that. What kind of lunatic would choose his current appearance? We need Doctor Who on this shit, stat.

    • From some of the comments (from folks in surgery) over on twitter, some of the changes (NOT all!) can also be a result of his having lost weight since the earlier pics.

      Photos of his whole body appear to back up the “he’s lost some weight” theory–and, let’s be real here, Jared WASN’T someone who carried extra weight before…

      That ABSOLUTELY doesn’t explain the “waxy over-botoxed” skin tones, but it *may* account for the loss of the cheek & chin dimples.

      Dunno about the eyelash thing, but is it possible that he’s the sort of dude who may have had blonde ones, and been dyeing them? I know some women get it done (regardless of the warnings of possible vision loss!).

      Either way, month-to-month, much like his brothers-in-law, the transformation into a visual representation of a modern-day Hitler Youth becomes more & more striking.

      • Oh I bet he definitely dies his eyelashes if they are blonde. He’s one of the Trumps basically so he’ll get every fucking procedure done I’m sure. He also has clearly had an eye lift (his eyelids are more visible now, they used to be hooded before).

        My eyelashes are blonde; in normal times I only wear eye makeup maybe once or twice a week but the mascara stains them for a while so they never quite go to their BLONDE blonde state. Well, now they are blonde blonde and I saw a friend who wondered if I’d been wearing fake eyelashes the entire decade I knew him hahaha. I was like, no they make things for that sir.

  1. Jared’s there to collect the cash. In his social circle, he’s allowed to get away with actually being incompetent while having no accomplishments of his own because everyone in the ruling class is running the same pageant.

    Jared and Ivanka want toe prestige of being in the White House without the actual work. Instead, they’re there to shore up their bank accounts and have been given legitimacy because of their roles. When all of this is over (?) they’ll quietly continue collecting and occasionally pop up at some swanky event or they’ll write a memoir full of their own navel gazing.

    And their society will let them get away with it.

  2. Jared is why education has to be based on merit instead of daddy giving millions to get failson into Havahad.

    This seems to be the dead horse I must beat… might have to do with my Trumper uncle and aunt once screamed about how black kids getting affirmative action denied their precious brood the chance to go to Havahad (because we all know Asian American kids especially those born to rich parents (like my cousins) needs all the breaks they can get… /eye roll/) I laughed when my mom told me that. I mentioned “What about all the stupid rich kids (mostly white) who got into Ivy League schools?”

    Mom was all “???????” Then came the report in 2006 (?) which broke open what everyone mumbled about.

    Jared’s all “I got a havahad degree and shit” without mentioning the fact he didn’t the intellectual firepower to get in without considerable help. An Ivy League degree is a big cachet among gubbiment types. Even a half wit like Jared (who by all rights should have gone to Liberty U or some mediocre degree mill for half wits) would use that as a club to beat down doors.

    Instead of being the shining moment for Jared Kushner, it has shown that failson who bought his Havahd degree is still a failson. Just as dumb as Doofus Jr and Ewik, the other Trump doofus failsons.

  3. Kushner, who is only the hippest of happening cats, claimed on Wednesday that “we have all the testing we need” to “get the country rockin’ again”.

    it’s worse than that. the country won’t just be rocking. it will be rocking by july!

    The administration, he added, is preparing the country to “get as close back to normal as possible as quickly as possible”, and said that by July the country would be “really rocking again”.


    the guy is off hie effin rocker!

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