Another baseball season is winding down, and Barry Bonds has once again been snubbed by the baseball writers who vote for Hall of Fame membership, for what will thankfully be the last time. I find schadenfreude in this, because this jackass couldn’t handle Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire stealing the thunder he thought was rightfully his, and he did something about it, goddamnit, trashing what was almost certainly a lock on the Hall of Fame. Chickens, meet your roost. Doubtless Bonds, whose official playing weight went from 185lb his rookie year to 228lb in 2002, will eventually be elected by the veterans’ committee, who so thankfully bestowed membership on Jack Morris, whose career ERA+ of 105 makes him the very definition of average. Where would we even be had that injustice not been corrected? But I digress. I’m here today, my friends, to say “Fuck Barry Bonds.” Fuck him and his once-now-not giant head; fuck him and his personal trainer, who twice chose jail over having to tell the truth in court; and most of all fuck him and the mealy-mouthed, weasel-worded fucks who have spent the last 25 years making excuses for him. Excuses such as:

7. tHerE iS nO pRoOf hE DiD sTeRoiDs.
In leaked grand jury testimony, Bonds admitted to using a cream and a clear substance that were, in fact, widely known to be steroids. Bonds claims he trusted his personal trainer to administer these, and did not know they were steroids. And if you believe that, I’d like to sell you this bat I found in the umpire’s office. Albert Belle? Never heard of him. Fuck Barry Bonds.

6. MLB hAd nOt bAnNeD sTeRoiDs
I must have missed the part when MLB declared itself a sovereign nation. Anabolic steroids became Schedule III controlled substances under the Anabolic Steroids Control Act of 1990, and thus it would be redundant for baseball to also have to specifically ban their use. I mean, there is no MLB rule specifically stating that you can’t stab the catcher in an effort to avoid being tagged out, so under this logic it must be cool, right? Fuck attempted murder, right? No, actually, fuck Barry Bonds.

5. sTeRoiDs dOn’T heLp yOu hiT tHe baLL
No, but they will help you turn warning track shots into home runs. Bonds accumulated 258 home runs between ages 35-39, never hitting less than 45 in a season. By comparison, Babe Ruth hit 192 in the same time period, while Hank Aaron hit 203. This is some jacked-up logic. Steroids are okay if you’re already a good hitter, but fuck Jay Gibbons and Larry Bigbie? Or everybody should be allowed to do whatever is necessary to enhance their stats? Nah, how about fuck Barry Bonds?

4. piTcHeRs wEre jUiCed tOo
Four-time Cy Young winner Greg Maddux, of the 89-mph “fastball,” who stands six feet tall and whose playing weight was 170, says hello. Five-foot-eleven, 170-pound Pedro Martinez, who had the greatest 3-season peak in the history of MLB, says go fuck yourself. Let’s re-visit your prior reasoning in a way that makes a little more sense. Steroids help you throw harder, but they don’t help you find the strike zone. Ever heard of Bart Miadich, Jim Parque, Jeff Williams? Mike Judd? Neither had I, until I read the Mitchell Report. That’s because they were all fucking terrible. Hell, steroids made Rick Ankiel lose the strike zone completely and have to become an outfielder. Okay, I may have made that last part up, but you get the picture. Fuck Barry Bonds.

3. eVerYBodY diD tHeM
Harold Baines: 6′ 2″, 175lb.
Chipper Jones: 6′ 4″, 210lb.
Jeff Bagwell: 6′ 0″, 195lb.
Cal Ripken: 6′ 4″, 200lb.
Edgar Martinez: 6′ 0″, 175lb.
Yeah, I don’t think so. And guess what? They’re all in the Hall of Fame. Fuck Barry Bonds.

2. MLB pLaYeRs uSeD tO dO sPeEd aLL tHe TiMe
It’s true, amphetamine use was rampant after WWII; even Ted Williams used them as a pilot and probably continued upon his return to baseball. However, they weren’t actually illegal under Federal law until 1970, and using your prior logic again, they weren’t specifically banned by MLB until 2005. So it’s all good, right? No? Consider this. Amphetamines and steroids aren’t “performance enhancing” in the same way. I never heard of anyone gaining 40lb of muscle on amphetamines. Quite the opposite, actually. Amphetamines are in fact probably more “performance enabling” than enhancing. Why do you think so many players have an “exemption” for Adderall? You know why baseball is more boring now than in the 60’s-70’s? Guys are trying to play 162 games in 6 months without a pick-me-up. Fuck Barry Bonds.

1. tHe HaLL oF fAmE wiLL bE iNcOmpLeTe wiThOut HiM.
Have you ever been to the Baseball Hall of Fame? I have. They have this cool little sculpture of Casey Stengel, and a painting by Leroy Neiman. They’ve got Sandy Koufax’s Cy Young award, Babe Ruth’s bat, Don Larson’s glove from the 1956 World Series perfect game, the cleats Felix Pie wore when he hit for the cycle, and the scorebook from the 33-inning game between the Rochester Red Wings and the Pawtucket Red Sox. They’ve got the glove Willie Mays used to make The Catch, George Brett’s infamous pine tar bat, and a Rockford Peaches uniform from “A League of Their Own.” You know what I never thought even once that day? “This place will only be complete when they have the notebook Pete Rose recorded his bets in.” Fuck Pete Rose, and fuck Barry Bonds.