Don’t Let The Door Hit You Where The Good Lord Split You
As you might have picked up, I’m a fan of the foxes that live in my city and wander the streets around me every night. Even after seeing a million of them, I can’t help but stop and gawk every time a new one slinks past.
Now that it’s cool enough to open the windows at night, we hear them all the time too, sending out their spooky cries, howls, and barks.
A big reason they’re so vocal this time of year is that it’s “dispersal season” for foxes. The parents are kicking the kids out of the den and sending them off to live on their own. Mom and dad are done with them.
What Was Your Dispersal Season?
Humans, of course, don’t necessarily have a dispersal season. In some societies the kids just set up right next door, or even continue to live under the same roof of the communal lodge, while other societies make a big point of sending kids off to live in another place.
As for myself, I tried and failed to find a post-college job, and faced with the prospect of too little cash for rent I went back home. My parents gamely housed me while I scrounged up enough work for 6-8 months to save up and move out, and after that home was just a place to visit on holidays.
So what was your dispersal story? One of the interesting things about modern society is that there is no single narrative. There are rich people who own compounds like The Righteous Gemstones where every family member lives like neighbors. There are families where kids immediately sign up for military service. There are families where kids get jobs right out of school and move out, and there are families where economic pressure keeps kids at home. And there’s the version where a kid leaves their family to marry someone and moves in with their spouse’s parents.
And we probably all know situations where kids left home for a long time, but caretaking brings kids and parents back together.
Humans are extremely flexible in how we handle the transition to adulthood, so here’s a chance to share some stories about dispersals. Maybe you have a great grandparent who left the old country at 15 and never looked back. Maybe you stuck around through grad school, or maybe you have a funny story about a high school friend who ran away from home and joined the circus. Some people stick around in their hometown, and while they don’t live at home anymore see their family every weekend.
Again, people live flexible lives, so no wrong or right stories, just share whatever you want.
I was so desperate to get away from my father and the only thing I was good at was school, so I was happily off to college about 4 hours away.
I thought I was good at school when I went away. I managed to stick it out regardless.
When I got accepted to the U of Toronto, my parents were making plans for me to live at home… and go to school. I had no input in the matter.
That went out the window when I got accepted at Queen’s (two hours away in Kingston ON for those who don’t know.) I was overjoyed and my parents freaked out.
In Korean culture, the son (first born anyway) isn’t supposed to leave until he gets married.
Mine seems to be a Korean Soap… ugh.
I wanted to go to school as far away as I could. I loved my parents, but their brand of love is more smothering. I wanted to be independant and my own man. I wasn’t really ready to be, but I wanted to be which is why I fumbled and stumbled my way through school/life.
My mom was fine with me coming back from school after limping my way to graduating. Dad wanted my ass out because he was (rightfully) pissed with me. Mom won, leading to a very tense household. I wanted to leave because I wanted to, but I didn’t have the money to just get the fuck out.
As I got work and made money, my parents (mom in particular) used me as cheap labor around the house. I became mom’s driver/garden boy/house cleaner. Half the time I didn’t whine because Korean parents don’t charge rent (at least monetary, emotional rent hell yeah.) It used to make me mad when I would go out with friends on Friday night and then mom would wake me up bright and early on Sat morning to go shopping without giving me a heads up the previous day. Living rent free, I didn’t have much of a choice. I don’t know how my tired and sometimes hungover younger self didn’t kill both of us in an accident.
Sometimes I worked really late because I had to deal with Asian coworkers especially at Nortel as my work was everywhere but Canada. One of my dad’s less endearing habits is that he would play classical music (loud) at 6am in the morning. I am too much like dad in that he used to have a hair trigger temper if he didn’t get enough sleep. I would keep quiet, but seethe from the lack of sleep.
Eventually after several years, I had enough (of my parents and money) that I went house hunting.
I found a place, but I wanted to pay off my mortgage fast and have a safety net of sorts as Nortel was shedding workers… in my 9 1/2 years there we went from 100k to 25k employees. I had a friend who was barely affording his apartment and I figured I could help him save some money for a place of his own as well as help pay down my mortgage. I worked out a below market rent and gave him a sweet deal that if he was smart he could save up about 40-50k within 6-7 years.
My plan was that I would find someone, get married, ease former housemate out after a few years and have a family.
Unfortunately that didn’t turn out. Instead of doing that I had to eject former housemate after he cockblocked me several times and the power games he tried to pull on me at a time when I needed him the most as I was unemployed and had no money. I wouldn’t have been so mad if he actually done stuff around the house, but he didn’t (like cleaning up after him many times like a parent… so I guess he was my kid… my 300 pound willfull asshole teenaged kid.) After our friendship went sour, our mutual friends were stunned about the sweetheart deal I gave him and the fact I didn’t raise the rent on him for 8 years. Unlike a lot of folks, I actually gave the guy a chance that few people ever get in life. That’s part of the reason I’m still furious with him. But I relearned a lesson I never seem to get is that no good deed goes unpunished.
It sounds like the roommate needed a red haired mom with a big tail biting him in the ankles until he found his own supply of rabbits and mice.
He did which happened shortly after I gave him notice.
I lost my mind for a while at how really unfair the universe could be as the guy who fucked my potential personal relationships over got into one and I was still single. I should have been more adult about it… instead I became Captain Ahab for a while.
He’s still with her after 12 years but not married.
For some people that works but for a lot there’s a story there. In the US I’ve known longterm unmarried couples who ended up getting married for health insurance reasons, because our system is so dumb and bad.
I don’t know the entire reason. I do know he’s been getting earfuls about marriage from the better halves in the social group I’m barely a part of now because they’ve mentioned it to me like a) I want to help him (I don’t) and b) I care (again, I don’t.)
That’s really his business but I guess they feel he’s strung her along enough. Fish or cut bait kind of thing.
At least it’s not for healthcare reasons.
AG Sulzberger is a soulless, gimlet eyed monster running a misery-fueled machine.
https://nitter.poast.org/DougJBalloon/status/1839826204213367289
Jesus fucking Christ.